I know I’ve been gone for quite some time. You’ve been in my thoughts. Nearly every day in fact. I’ve wanted to write and be here. Honestly I didn’t feel like I had anything to say or contribute. I’ve been in something of a rut. Not a real depression, at least not the way I’m used to feeling depression, but just a serious funk.
There hasn’t really been anything wrong, but there hasn’t been anything right either.
I haven’t felt like there was anything for me going on that I could really contribute to the world b/c I didn’t feel like I was really much a part of it. Just sort of going through the motions and floating through day to day. That would make for very tedious writing.
Things have been getting better and worse. Which for the most part, I guess is good. I don’t like feeling nothing. I would rather feel something than nothing.
So much and nothing at all has been happening. I’ve felt like I’ve been in one endless holding pattern. Small things that I’d hoped for I’ve been disillusioned of. This is actually fine for me. At least in that I found closure and was able to solidly move on from it. I would rather know one way or the other about something than to have to endlessly wonder. Even if it was not the ideal outcome. It’s the uncertainty that I find most maddening.
Up front. It’s an attribute I find incredibly appealing in people. When someone is not straight forward with me I find I get easily frustrated. Looking back, these are often the people that have caused the most turmoil in me. The people that have made me the most anxious, the most stressed out, the most emotionally turbulent are the people that have tried to play games, keep me guessing, made me wonder about their motives…. Don’t get me wrong, a little mystery and flirtation is one thing, but it’s the rest of the bullshit and keeping you guessing that is the problem.
When things get good, there are inevitably lows that come with the highs. I don’t even mean wild ups and downs either. Just yanno, being happy about something new, high… and then an accidental someone steps on a sore point and you have to explain a bad subject b/c they don’t know any better, low. I don’t mind that so much. I’m more ashamed of it than anything. I still struggle with that. I feel like that’s basic human nature though. To not like something about ourselves that we aren’t proud of. Maybe I’m more touchy than is normal, but that’s par for the course. I’ve learned that one small “flaw” doesn’t define my whole. I have much more to contribute as whole person. And in general I am very happy with who I am. Even when my mood is kind of funky I have a lot to offer in the world. Even alone and being a solitary creature I create. Not everyone will like me, or get me, and that’s okay. The people that are close to me certainly do. The people that I care for seem to care back and that means I great deal.
I must be doing something right after all this time =) If I can do it certainly it means that everyone else can to.
I’m rambling. I’ll not be such a stranger now, shall I?