Friday, June 13, 2014

Just a bit of a Ramble

Hello Everyone,


I know I’ve been gone for quite some time. You’ve been in my thoughts. Nearly every day in fact.  I’ve wanted to write and be here. Honestly I didn’t feel like I had anything to say or contribute. I’ve been in something of a rut. Not a real depression, at least not the way I’m used to feeling depression, but just a serious funk.


There hasn’t really been anything wrong, but there hasn’t been anything right either.


I haven’t felt like there was anything for me going on that I could really contribute to the world b/c I didn’t feel like I was really much a part of it. Just sort of going through the motions and floating through day to day. That would make for very tedious writing.


Things have been getting better and worse.  Which for the most part, I guess is good. I don’t like feeling nothing. I would rather feel something than nothing.

So much and nothing at all has been happening. I’ve felt like I’ve been in one endless holding pattern. Small things that I’d hoped for I’ve been disillusioned of. This is actually fine for me. At least in that I found closure and was able to solidly move on from it. I would rather know one way or the other about something than to have to endlessly wonder. Even if it was not the ideal outcome. It’s the uncertainty that I find most maddening.


Up front. It’s an attribute I find incredibly appealing in people. When someone is not straight forward with me I find I get easily frustrated. Looking back, these are often the people that have caused the most turmoil in me. The people that have made me the most anxious, the most stressed out, the most emotionally turbulent are the people that have tried to play games, keep me guessing, made me wonder about their motives…. Don’t get me wrong, a little mystery and flirtation is one thing, but it’s the rest of the bullshit and keeping you guessing that is the problem.



When things get good, there are inevitably lows that come with the highs. I don’t even mean wild ups and downs either. Just yanno, being happy about something new, high… and then an accidental someone steps on a sore point and you have to explain a bad subject b/c they don’t know any better, low. I don’t mind that so much. I’m more ashamed of it than anything. I still struggle with that.  I feel like that’s basic human nature though. To not like something about ourselves that we aren’t proud of.   Maybe I’m more touchy than is normal, but that’s par for the course.  I’ve learned that one small “flaw” doesn’t define my whole. I have much more to contribute as whole person. And in general I am very happy with who I am. Even when my mood is kind of funky I have a lot to offer in the world. Even alone and being a solitary creature I create.  Not everyone will like me, or get me, and that’s okay. The people that are close to me certainly do. The people that I care for seem to care back and that means I great deal.


I must be doing something right after all this time =) If I can do it certainly it means that everyone else can to.


I’m rambling. I’ll not be such a stranger now, shall I?



~Haven~

3 comments:

  1. "There hasn’t really been anything wrong, but there hasn’t been anything right either.

    I haven’t felt like there was anything for me going on that I could really contribute to the world b/c I didn’t feel like I was really much a part of it. Just sort of going through the motions and floating through day to day. That would make for very tedious writing."
    I CAN COMPLETELY RELATE TO THIS. Perhaps even more so, since I choose to have no friends. However i'd say my emptiness is why I have no friends rather than my lack of friends causing my emptiness. Cause and effect. Chicken and egg.

    " It’s the uncertainty that I find most maddening."
    I'm the same. I need certainty. That's why I tend to plan everything all the time. Its probably why I turned to religion at a young age. CERTAINTY.

    However, from what I read, I doubt you'd find me a good companion. You wouldn't find certainty with me. Even though Ive always craved it, I've lost all certainty within myself and in relstionships. I have attachment issues so I would probably be miss mixed signals. Ehh.. It's good you know what you want and need. And don't let your flaws define you. Some people mightn't even find them flaws at all. Youre you. And worthy of love.

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  2. First off Heaven I am thankful you have returned. A lil about me, I was diagnosed with Bpd in 2012. Struggling with the idea, I ran across your blog trying to obtain some soret of normalcy.
    I have struggled with the closeness of family members since day one. Abandonment issues, in an out of psychiatric hospital's, children shelters & foster homes. Growing up,
    I realized I was adaptable to my environment & could fake it until I made it.
    I was never been given a reason to believe I was loveable or able to be loved.
    My mother, who was never capable of loving herself let alone myself passed away for unknown reasons, during a 2 yr break of not speaking. I was & still am in denial of the entire thing, the disillusion of her being gone. My illness creeps into my relationships so often.
    I have found great awareness through your blog. Understanding its ok to be who I am. I cut when I feel I've hurt someone as painfully as I have been hurt. Often times the pain of the cut removes the madness inside my head.
    I am not a victim nor do I pay one on t.v. But I often feel a victim of this illness. I sometimes can't control having a difficult time expressing my feelings and my value to anyone.
    My point is... hiccups feel so magnified as a set back. All I've been through I have now accepted I need medication & meditation & arms that will hold me when I am down... Painting has also been a passion of mine a way to express myself from the beauty inside and out.

    So thank you from the bottom of my polluted heart for opening up and allowing others to relate to our madness!

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Leave me a comment! It makes me feel good and less paranoid about talking to myself =)

Also, I apologize for the Word Verification captcha's... I've been getting an incredible amount of spam and I'm quite aggravated.

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