Yesterday I said there was one other issue I talked to my Therapist about that I was leaving for a separate post. The issue revolves around Forgiveness. So often we hear how healing forgiveness is. How healing it is for others, and for ourselves. Yes, it absolutely can be. But is it always? Is it always even necessary?
A couple of my friends have mentioned to me that they are doing something to make peace with their past. This includes making amends with my Evil-Ex.
First I’ll say that cognitively I do understand that they are allowed to have their own reasons for what they do and their lives are their own.
Part of me feels flat out betrayal by this. That’s an understatement. I just feel betrayed by it. I’m extremely angry about it. This is a man-child that abused me, and them (or would have if he could have gotten away with it in the one’s case), for years. I realize this is a selfish feeling, they’re doing this for them, not for me, but it’s how I feel. I would never tell them this, but it feels like a complete betrayal.
Even as my one friend was in the process of trying to make amends with my him, my Evil-Ex blew up in a fit of narcissistic bullshit and paranoia and accused him of sleeping with me... because clearly that was the only reason he would have been friends with me. What? Um, no. As dear a friend as he is, one of my best friends in fact, that has never even come close to happening. It’s one of the reasons I trust him beyond pretty much anyone. But that’s the kind of thing my ex does. He makes up all these ridiculous stories and propaganda to explain away why someone could possibly do something that he doesn’t approve of or doesn’t revolve around him. He accused my friend of “hiding” our friendship, even though the whole time we were always flat out in the open about it, even though my ex gave him a ton of shit for it. The whole time. My ex couldn’t imagine why someone would just be friends with someone without “getting something out of it”. Especially me. Friends because we actually just like each other? Shocking! Gaslighting is one of the things my Evil-Ex does best.
Why would you bother making amends with someone that abused you for years? That used you? Used and abused all the people around you? That you loved and cared for? Discarded them like pieces of trash to be stomped out and spit on like you were less than worthless?
I’m sorry but no. Never. The only reason that boy crosses my mind is for the purpose of my own healing and to use my experiences to grow and become stronger, and so that others my use my experiences and possibly grow from them as well. He means nothing to me.
Forgiveness is for people that deserve forgiveness. Forgiveness is for people that want to be forgiven. Forgiveness is for people that have taken responsibility for themselves and are making an effort to change in ways that are no longer hurtful.
I understand him. He’s a self-involved, Narcissist that never learned to grow up and be anything but a tantrum throwing man-sized child. A loud Beta male pretending to be an Alpha that has to rule his little group of friends through fear and manipulation because he doesn’t understand what it is to actually lead people. Sorry, but I don’t respect that. I never will.
The things he did to me were inexcusable. As far as I’m concerned they’re also unforgivable.
I will go to my grave knowing that he will never be forgiven and I will perfectly cont
ented with that fact.
Every time I work on an issue that involves him, I get over one more thing in which he had affected me. It’s one more abusive demon exorcised from my past that I can move on from and put behind me. Forgiveness won’t be necessary for me because he won’t mean anything to me. Hell, he doesn’t mean anything to me now except as a lesson to be learned from and I still have PTSD (something else I’m coming to grips with) from that relationship.
I think people often think you can’t move on unless you forgive. I disagree. I learned a lot from the abuse that I was dealt. I’m a stronger person for it. He deserves no thanks for it but I learned from the experiences I was put through. I think you can come to peace with what happened to you through your own healing and can even draw strength and overcome what has happened to you. That is what you need to move on.
Therapist actually seems to think it’s not a bad quality to have such a decisive nature like I do. I worry that this is just my splitting, but then again, I didn’t actually imagine the stuff he did. I gave him every chance in the world to change, to show me even a modicum of decency… and unless he was getting something out of it; never. I’m past it all. It’s not worth my time to waste with trying to search my heart for forgiveness. He isn’t worth that effort. Someone capable of that kind of cruelty and maliciousness is worth nothing. Right up until the end I gave him every chance. I allow people to push me much, much too far in the hopes that they’ll somehow turn around, look back, and realize I’m a person too. When I’m done though, there’s no looking back. You’ve exhausted all your chances, all your extra chances, and probably a party full of chances you never should have had. No looking back. I’m absolutely fine with that. He has never shown any remorse, or apology for his behavior or treatment of me. None.
My time, my energy, my effort, it all deserves to be poured into my own healing, and furthering the healthy relationships I have in my life right now. Those are the things that matter.
I’m not interested in Forgiving and Forgetting. Instead I’m going to Heal and Forget. Some people aren’t worth remembering.