Ever feel like things have been going too well for too long?
I don’t know what’s wrong with me right now. I can’t really identify any of my usual triggers having been tripped (well at least not to the degree that I should be feeling like this). And yet, I see myself spiraling down into something that looks like depression but doesn’t feel like it. How do you describe being sad, without the feeling of sadness? I don’t know if my brain wants to be depressed but my meds are suppressing the mood aspect of it or something else entirely is going on, but I feel myself relapsing.
I’ve been sleeping excessively lately. I mean, EXCESSIVELY. Come home from work or the gym, take a 4 hour nap, eat, shower, go back to bed. Pulling myself out of bed is more difficult than I can ever remember it being. Yesterday I just stayed in bed for hours after I woke up. I couldn’t bear the thought of bringing myself to my feet. The real world exists outside of my blankets and underneath them is the only place I can find safe shelter. I’ve been drinking way too much lately. I don’t even want to be but I find myself needing to get out of my own head. Then I let my desire for comfort run away with me too and I reach for the most comforting thing I can find: food. I ignore all of the hard work and careful tracking I’ve been doing to maintain myself and binge and binge and binge. Which of course is followed by the guilt and the need to purge. It never feels like enough though. I feel better but I still know that I did something wrong. My bulimia has been creeping back a bit ever since the x-mas holiday more and more. I just, want it to stop. The only thing I haven’t done is cut. But if I’m honest even those thoughts have become more intrusive lately. I haven’t acted upon them, but they’re more prominent than they’ve been in a long while.
And I don’t know why. I was doing so well. So well. Now I just feel like I’m stepping into quicksand. Nothing can keep my interest. My motivation to engage in my hobbies is dwindling. Hell, my motivation to move at all is a struggle. I barely leave my bedroom once I finally get home.
It sounds like depression to me, but all I feel is blank. Depression without the sadness.
With the exception of my drinking (which I know I need to stop completely) I’ve been doing everything right. My meds are completely on track. I’ve been eating well. Exercising. Having good times hanging out with my friends….
There have been some small triggers but this amount of response seems extra ridiculously out of proportion which makes me think there’s more. There just doesn’t seem to be a point to anything anymore. It’s all just getting to the next day, then getting to the day after that, but for what? To get to the next day after that one? And on top of it I’m lonely.
I want the comfort of being with someone but I don’t want to actually be with anyone. I’m not ready to be with someone, but I miss having someone close.
There is actually a reason I bring this up. The reason isn’t pity or sympathy either.
Relapsing happens. It’s important to understand this. You can be doing everything right and sometimes things still don’t work out the way you would hope. I know that statement makes it all sound futile and pointless to try, which brings me to my second point. Relapses are temporary. They end. Things can get back on track, and they get better again.
90% content with occasional 10% relapsing into not-so-good is still worlds better than the 95% misery and 5% bubbling over the top with ecstatic impulses that I’ve had for most of my life.
Relapses happen, but that doesn’t mean it’s all for nothing. It just means we’re human and no human has it all good all the time. It’s important to recognize when these happen so we can figure out how to prepare and pull ourselves out. It’s important to remind ourselves that things get better because right now, in the moment, it feels like this feeling will last forever. Even stars and mountains don’t last forever though. Our moods and emotions are even more temporary. It’s okay to relapse, as long as we don’t forget that we still need to be mindful of what is happening within us and be mindful of how we act out around us.
There’s also a bit of please bear with me on this one in here too. I have a ton of new topics and interesting information to share with you in the New Year, my inspiration hasn’t dried up yet… I’m just moving a little slow at this moment and it may affect my pace. I will keep moving forward though. Even it's a bit slower at times.