Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Self-Destruct


Ever feel like things have been going too well for too long?


I don’t know what’s wrong with me right now. I can’t really identify any of my usual triggers having been tripped (well at least not to the degree that I should be feeling like this). And yet, I see myself spiraling down into something that looks like depression but doesn’t feel like it. How do you describe being sad, without the feeling of sadness? I don’t know if my brain wants to be depressed but my meds are suppressing the mood aspect of it or something else entirely is going on, but I feel myself relapsing.

I’ve been sleeping excessively lately. I mean, EXCESSIVELY. Come home from work or the gym, take a 4 hour nap, eat, shower, go back to bed. Pulling myself out of bed is more difficult than I can ever remember it being. Yesterday I just stayed in bed for hours after I woke up. I couldn’t bear the thought of bringing myself to my feet. The real world exists outside of my blankets and underneath them is the only place I can find safe shelter. I’ve been drinking way too much lately. I don’t even want to be but I find myself needing to get out of my own head. Then I let my desire for comfort run away with me too and I reach for the most comforting thing I can find: food. I ignore all of the  hard work and careful tracking I’ve been doing to maintain myself and binge and binge and binge. Which of course is followed by the guilt and the need to purge. It never feels like enough though. I feel better but I still know that I did something wrong. My bulimia has been creeping back a bit ever since the x-mas holiday more and more. I just, want it to stop. The only thing I haven’t done is cut. But if I’m honest even those thoughts have become more intrusive lately. I haven’t acted upon them, but they’re more prominent than they’ve been in a long while.

And I don’t know why. I was doing so well. So well. Now I just feel like I’m stepping into quicksand. Nothing can keep my interest. My motivation to engage in my hobbies is dwindling. Hell, my motivation to move at all is a struggle. I barely leave my bedroom once I finally get home.

It sounds like depression to me, but all I feel is blank. Depression without the sadness.

With the exception of my drinking (which I know I need to stop completely) I’ve been doing everything right. My meds are completely on track. I’ve been eating well. Exercising. Having good times hanging out with my friends….

There have been some small triggers but this amount of response seems extra ridiculously out of proportion which makes me think there’s more. There just doesn’t seem to be a point to anything anymore. It’s all just getting to the next day, then getting to the day after that, but for what? To get to the next day after that one? And on top of it I’m lonely.

I want the comfort of being with someone but I don’t want to actually be with anyone. I’m not ready to be with someone, but I miss having someone close.

There is actually a reason I bring this up. The reason isn’t pity or sympathy either.

Relapsing happens. It’s important to understand this. You can be doing everything right and sometimes things still don’t work out the way you would hope. I know that statement makes it all sound futile and pointless to try, which brings me to my second point. Relapses are temporary. They end. Things can get back on track, and they get better again.

90% content with occasional 10% relapsing into not-so-good is still worlds better than the 95% misery and 5% bubbling over the top with ecstatic impulses that I’ve had for most of my life.

Relapses happen, but that doesn’t mean it’s all for nothing. It just means we’re human and no human has it all good all the time. It’s important to recognize when these happen so we can figure out how to prepare and pull ourselves out. It’s important to remind ourselves that things get better because right now, in the moment, it feels like this feeling will last forever. Even stars and mountains don’t last forever though. Our moods and emotions are even more temporary. It’s okay to relapse, as long as we don’t forget that we still need to be mindful of what is happening within us and be mindful of how we act out around us.

There’s also a bit of please bear with me on this one in here too. I have a ton of new topics and interesting information to share with you in the New Year, my inspiration hasn’t dried up yet… I’m just moving a little slow at this moment and it may affect my pace. I will keep moving forward though. Even it's a bit slower at times. 



5 comments:

  1. Thanks for sharing this. The whole journey is important--the start, goals, process, relapses, AND successes--for people on it and those supporting it to know.

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  2. "This too will pass"

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  3. I'm sorry to hear you're experiencing such a tough time! Hang in there, as you already wrote yourself, it's a relapse so it should be a passing thing even if it doesn't feel like it now. Weird huh the feeling of depression without really being depressed? Try and take care of yourself the next couple of days.

    Lost in transit.

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  4. If it helps any, I am in a "relapse" right now also. Staggering depression, sleeping all the time. Sleep 8-9 hours every night, and 2 hour nap every day. I rank as "severely depressed" on a depression scale I just took, but I don't feel it just like you said (because meds keep me flattened). I'm just *here*. Here, but not. I'm not acting out, don't think I'm acting-in either. I know it's not good for me, but I can't manage my way out of it no matter what. The one thing I shoudl be doing to deal with my emptiness - painting - well, that would require effort to pick up a brush and set out my supplies. And frankly, I'd rather just curl up under my blanket, curled up in the fetal position and think about my therapist giving me therapy love.

    Hang in there and know that you are not alone.

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  5. Thank you so much for sharing. I am also feeling depressed and behaving depressed but mostly without the really low sadness too. I feel pointless. Sometimes I am in touch with the painful feelings of being totally alone and despised by most of the world but often not. I am diagnosed with traits but believe that's because I mostly act in. At the moment I am not self-bullying with that evil negative voice in my head. I have two kids and Im really struggling to do everything I should just to keep them in clean uniforms & fed healthily. Thank God for my husband, without him I think I would simply self destruct. I also have Bulimia and have been in recovery after ed therapy but am really s struggling with restriction which is leading to b/p urges which I am fighting hard, having not acted on them since september. I am so very grateful I found this site and at last dont feel so alone. Thank you

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