Experience Impulsivity - Take a Chance

Impulsive behavior is dangerous. True? It certainly can be. In some respects though I think it’s one of my biggest assets. In relationships and in life the thing that holds a lot of people back is fear. Especially people with BPD. While I have a lot of fears, make that terror, in the back of my mind pretty damn often,  I appreciate my impulsivity because despite those fears, I jump into things anyways.

I ruminate. I speculate. I overthink all potential possibilities for a scenario my mind can possibly generate. I see how absolutely wrong things can go, how badly I can break my heart…. And then I do it anyways. Ok, this isn’t great when I’m jumping into situations that a lot of people would consider dangerous, but when it comes to taking chances in life that have the potential for a positive outcome, I think it’s an asset.

Impulsive behavior coupled with self-awareness can go a really long way. Yes, sometimes the things I throw myself into go terribly wrong. My world melts down and I’m left in a puddle of destructive emotions and pain. However, I’ve taken a chance on a situation, and after some time passes…. I realize I’m still alive. I’m still going. I tried something I was terrified was going to go terribly. It actually did end tragically…. And yet? The world still revolves with me still on it. I didn’t fall off. I may have fallen apart, but eventually I pick up the pieces and put them back together. I’ve learned something that I can take with me into the future, and no matter how mind crushingly destroyed I was at the time, I see that I still lived through it.

One of the wonderful things about the human body is that pain goes away. Emotional pain, personally, is approximately a bajillion times worse than physical pain and it last an eternity. Or so it seems. But in time, it does dull. It doesn’t make the experiences any less painful at the time, but there’s no denying that things are rarely the cataclysmic event I feared they’d be.

One of the problems with BPD is that our expectations and fears are so completely blown out of proportion. Everything is amplified. A potential catastrophe. It’s paralyzing and no wonder we’re so often racked with doubt about how to proceed. When everything can hurt you it’s hard to hold onto the thought that it just might not.

Maybe I’m a masochist. Well, yes, I am a masochist, but my impulsive behavior lets me propel myself through the fear, and regardless of the consequences, I realize that life still goes on. I manage to learn something in the process, good or bad, and I didn’t die. Not dying is pretty much my main goal. Living life as painlessly as possible is the second. Except I never manage to keep that in mind long enough. And ya know what? I’m kind of glad for it.

Living in the dark is not romantic

I hate fear. I hate being afraid. I hate having self-doubts and being held back. Hate it. Dark Side Sith taking over the universe with the power of evil, hate. I’m glad that while things scare me, I go right ahead and do them anyways. It may set me up for a lot of trouble, but at least it doesn’t hold me back. I take a risk, take a chance, and sometimes take a little happiness along the way. Because one thing I’ve learned from living safely (read: being a numb recluse shut away from the pain of the world) is that while the risk of being hurt is as minimal as you can get, it doesn’t eliminate the pain. It just shifts it to a different persective. No longer at risk of hurt from other people, now I’m left with my loneliness and sadness locked away from the rest of the world. The chance of happiness and adventure walk hand in hand just out of reach outside my window where I’m afraid to go. No thanks.

One of the risks I took with Evil-Ex was to shed that numbness. It’s why I loved him in the first place. He brought me out of that dark unfeeling place and let me live in the light and excitement. It was a tragic mess of a disaster of a relationship, but I’ve never said I regret that decision. All the pain, all the anguish, all the mental and emotional rollercoasters aside, at least I was living. I am living. And learning in the process to avoid the lows and ride the highs. It’s not worth it to be tucked away.

Pain is what we risk for a chance at living a real life. I’d rather live a real life in the light, than remain in the shadows of what could have been.  

So why date a Borderline?

This song makes me ludicrously happy. As soon as I heard it I was like... and this is why people date Borderlines, haha.

 

Bourbon Street by Jeff Tuohy

I’ve been living in sin for about a month

Something turns me round it’s something that I just
Can’t understand, the way I behave.
Some people you can never save.

On my right hand, I’ve got a girl in my ear

And in my left hand, I’m throwing back a beer.
What can I say? Of me, you steer clear
When I driving down on Bourbon Street, yeah

Cuz every night we through this little soiree

Gonna turn her head until she’s mine, all mine
Every night I breed a new disaster
I might be right, I might be wrong
Try to get away and I will bring you right along, so
Sit back, have a seat
Sometimes salty, sometimes sweet
Hard to swallow, but fun to eat
You ain’t never leaving Bourbon Street, come on!
 

When I walk the street people step aside

Twirling my cane and smiling wide
Some would say I’m a carnal slave
I put my hands on what I crave
I’m the mayor of this crazy town
Where the queens will party with the clown
Try to swim with me and you’re bound to drown
Throw you a line while you’re going down

Yeah, I know this street and I own this crowd

And my only companion is a lightning cloud
I seem real nice and easy to trust
Ashes to ashes and dust to dust
I’m gonna lead you a path to self-destruct
On this crazy train that I conduct.

And it’s a one, two, three..

Cuz every night we through this little soiree

Gonna turn her head until she’s mine, all mine
Every night I breed a new disaster
I might be right, I might be wrong
Try to get away and I will bring you right along, so
Sit back, have a seat
Sometimes salty, sometimes sweet
Hard to swallow, but fun to eat
You ain’t never leaving Bourbon Street.

Politics make me angry

This has nothing to do with BPD so I'm putting it on my other blog.

If you're interesting in seeing why I'm so pissed off at politicians trying to regulate birth control come visit me in the Asylum (link right down there).

Birth Control Debate

Midas Fall - BPD

Midas Fall -BPD

Lies opened up this road
The only place the truth has left to go
And when your love falls short I wait
But your gone

Tied to the rootless half
The half that self destructs
When its missed the mark
And if my eyes weren't stuck on someone new
Then I'd fire

I had time to choose
But this thing that breaks me
I couldn't bear to lose
I know your will got tired and I froze
Now your gone

Stop, I wouldn't mind at all
But you build disasters and never watch them fall
And when your life falls short
I won't mind
Now I'm gone

Bordering on Happiness in Relationships?

Can someone with Borderline Personality Disorder ever find true happiness in a relationship?  If someone with BPD is prone to pushing others away, fears being vulnerable, exposing themselves to another person, or can’t maintain a stable attachment, is the only way for them to find happiness to overcome these obstacles, or is there another way to happiness?

In a word.  No.

 No, I don’t think someone with BPD will find true happiness in a relationship.

What the hell, Haven?!? Seriously? Why are we even bothering then? 

Whoa, whoa, whoa…. Hold on.  Let’s look at this objectively for a second. I’m not saying someone with BPD can’t experience happiness or won't be able to find happiness in a relationship EVER. That’s obviously not true. Especially if you’re like me, you’ll have wonderful highs and moments of pure pleasure found in the company of those we care for. Things anyone would consider happiness. But those don’t last either. Often they plummet in an instant. The lows all the worse for seeing the height which we fell from.

There’s so much fear, so much holding back, so much pushing away that it’s almost impossible to form a solid, steady bond with another person. Our minds our mean. They create shadows of suspicion and doubt. Ruminations that run wild and tear our relationships to shreds before our partner has even had a chance to make a move in any direction whatsoever.

That fear prohibits the development of trust. Without trust, every action can be called into question. Every word could have a double meaning. Every moment apart could be an opportunity to find someone better. Our minds are designed to drive us crazy.

At least my mind has been shown to do so. Really, all I can do is share how I walk through this world and feel in relationships. For me, I’ve never found true happiness in a relationship so I don’t know if it’s possible. This question sounds so simple but it’s immensely complicated. As a Borderline being in a relationship is what sets me off even more so than my usual day to day mood swings. I’m also Major Depressive so the concept of “Being Happy” is foreign to me on a whole different level as well. A good percentage of Borderlines have comorbid depression, as a separate entity, or as a result of being Borderline so maybe it’s not so unusual, but it’s something that needs to be noted. When your day to day existence is a form of depression, just being “Okay”, is cause to celebrate.

I also want to make the semantic distinction of “being happy in a relationship” versus “being made happy from a relationship”. No person or relationship can make you happy. Happiness is something that is individual and a person achieves within themselves. That’s not to say that external factors don’t contribute, they certainly do, but no one can make you happy. Happiness is a personal responsibility.

Relationships drive me crazy. I love them. I love when things are good. When things are good they’re euphoric, but when things are bad, they’re tragic. My mood swings more wildly when I’m in a relationship then when I’m single. I have something more to lose and that sets my world off balance. Everything is wonderful or it is dire. There’s no middle ground. There’s no equilibrium. I think that equilibrium is what true happiness in a relationship is. All relationships have problems and things that need to be worked through. Bumps and fights that come up along the way. People get angry or upset, but in a truly functional relationship those people know they can work things through and the relationship isn’t over because one thing went wrong. This doesn’t usually happen in the mind of a Borderline. Any mistake, mishap, or misstep is what could send us over the edge and smash our hopes for the relationship on the rocky bottom of reality below.  When you always walk on pins and needles, even those days of happiness are tarnished with the black film.  When your mood constantly jumps up and falls down it’s a perpetual state of uncertainty, that uncertainty causes tension, anxiety, panic… Does any of that sound pleasant? Does any of that sound like happiness?

Not to me.

I’m happier in a relationship. But I can also be unhappier as well.

Is there maybe another way to find happiness, like if someone did all the right things? Hah. Do you know anyone who always does and says the right things? There is no perfect Prince(cess) Charming when it comes to BPD. Even if someone were capable of doing all the right things, 100% of the time, it still wouldn’t be good enough because there are still all of those fears of intimacy, of vulnerability, of needing to maintain a separate identity and independence, of being smothered, too loved, potential to disappoint someone so perfect that we’re not good enough for, so it’s for their own good anyways if we leave.

So is there hope?

Of, course there is. There’s always hope. But like all things, it lies in your own hands. I don’t think it’s possible for someone with a Borderline condition to be happy, with anything, if they don’t work to manage the symptoms and causes that create the personal mental environment that allows for such unhappiness.  I think left to our own devices, with no effort towards personal growth, self-awareness, and healing… it can be extremely difficult to find real happiness. Fortunately, there are a lot of things we can do to seek treatment or simply help ourselves get a hold of the problems we face.  

I do believe happiness is possible; happiness in relationships, and ultimately happiness with ourselves. It will take effort and time to help ourselves heal from this disordered mentality.  I can’t promise it’ll be easy. In fact, I can pretty much guarantee it won’t be. But I can say that it is worth it to try.

In just the last year or two I’ve been working constantly to understand my behavior and make necessary changes. I still have my mood swings, but my reactions in the relationships I’ve been in lately haven’t been nearly so volatile. In fact, my reactions could be considered productive and have brought me closer to the people I want cultivate my feelings with. Am I rolling in puppies and rainbows? Well, no. But I’m not dissolving into a puddle of devastation every time something doesn’t work out the way I expect it to. I still have work to do though. I can see my mentality slowly switching to something healthier. Something steadier. Coupled with my medication (because I do have a depressive chemical imbalance) I see a rise in my mood… not a euphoric rollercoaster to devastation, but a contentedness. I have days where I’m pleased and relaxed, more so than I ever used to feel. And that translates into being more contented with the relationships that I’m cultivating now.

How can you be happy if you’re always hurting? If we don’t try to tame the wild emotions swinging through our minds, I don’t know how we can break the cycle of hurt we so often feel. I do know it’s possible to get ahold of these feelings and make them calm down. They may not go away forever, they may pop back up, but they won’t be unmanageable. When you create the tools to deal with the problems we create, you can maintain a level of comfort in knowing that the problem has a solution; the problem isn’t the end of the world… or the relationship. 

So, no, I don’t think a Borderline can find true happiness if left to our own devices, but yes, I do believe it’s possible for a Borderline to find true happiness if we’re willing to work on the problems that create the unhappiness we so often feel.

And that’s not to say that we can’t have functional, fun, and loving relationships if we’re untreated or not working on healing. I just don’t think there will be a stable, true happiness of deep contentment if mood swings are always so volatile. This is just my opinion. Who knows? Maybe if the right person came along and I fell head over heels in mutual love and obsession I’d forget all my fears. It’s never happened to me though (the mutual part) so I can’t say for sure.

How about you? What do you think? What’s your experience with happiness and relationships been?

Memoirs on a Sunday: Another [very belated] Monday Edition

You want to know what one of my favorite things about living in New York is? Brooklyn. I love Brooklyn.

The weekend before last was all around pretty wonderful (this weekend was great too! But I meant to post this last week and forgot).

My dress was black

Tech Boy moved into his new apartment two Fridays ago. I went over that Friday night, he made us dinner, I made us cookies. Then we went out to the clubhouse for some drinks and watched a band do covers of music from the 70s and 80s. It was a good time. When we were there we saw one of our co-workers girlfriends and a girl from Tech Boys softball team. Apparently she’s had a crush on him for ages. I half jokingly-half probingly said, “Gee, hope I’m not ruining your chances here {since she’s seeing us together}”. He got kind of a petrified look on his face and shook his head vehemently. I thought it was funny. I slept terribly at his new place though. I had crazy nightmares with him in it. Mostly involving our relationship not being “out”, other girls coming up to him, him telling me he hasn’t been with them, but he never got rid of them because at first he thought this would only be a one-time thing, all sorts of fears that other women would step in to replace me and he didn’t consider me anything more important than just someone to keep around for the moment. ::sigh:: My subconscious hates me.

I woke up really early and told him I was going to the gym. I got a cute, “Aw, no more snuggle buddy” response, kissed him bye and took off for a long 2.5 hour workout at the gym. My cardio wasn’t up to par because we stayed up so late and I kept waking up constantly, but my lifting was spot on. I needed that workout. I knew I wasn’t going to get to the gym the next day, because….

Saturday night he swung by and we headed into Brooklyn for his and his sisters birthday celebration. When we got there I met his sister and a ton of both their friends. I still can’t remember most of their names. It was a great night. I felt a little awkward at first because of everyone there, I knew Tech Boy. That’s it. A couple beers and a crowded bar cleared that right up though. It was a great little place. I stuck out like a goth girl in a country bar, but no one cared. I stood around, listened to the band, kept up conversation with everyone around me.

We talked about work and whatnot. His stepdad asked how our coworkers felt about us “dating”. We’ve never really said we’re dating in any official capacity, but I wonder if that’s what he tells other people. Or if it was just an assumption? Regardless, I told him our coworkers weren’t in the loop. We just keep it professional at work.

I almost got into a bar fight at one point. It was stupid really but it managed to piss me off hardcore and I nearly lost my temper. Some dumb broad, very drunk, was trying to squeeze into the bar and take up residence. Except it was super packed. We got there early enough that I had one of the few seats at the bar. For about 20 minutes she was ramming into me, pushing against me, bumping me, dancing in place, all while jabbering away like a drunken valley girl…. I kept my elbows out so they were constantly stabbing at her, but she wasn’t getting the hint. At one point I turned to her and was like “Chicky, seriously, quit it. There isn’t room for that.” She gave me an attitude after that and I very nearly decked the bitch. It didn’t help that Tech Boys sister was egging me on, which really I thought was funny, but I just shook my head and got another beer. The people I was with were loud enough with their own displeasure that the chicks friends intervened, told her she was definitely encroaching on my bar stool and put some space between us. Obnoxious.

At one point in the evening Tech Boy wandered off with a buddy to check out the band. I was deep in conversation with other people, and I don’t need a chaperone (or so I like to think) so I didn’t worry. I ended up talking to one of his sisters guy friends. He’d commented on some of my exposed tattoos and we got to talking about that. I showed him the one on my side (well, part of it - I wasn't going to take off my entire shirt to show him the whole thing). I didn’t think anything of it. I love talking about body mods and the work I’ve had done. He apparently thought that was an invitation to take it a little further. He started rubbing my side, standing real close. I took his hand off me and told him he couldn’t do that. I was here with Tech Boy.

At the same time, Tech Boys stepfather saw this whole thing, and called him over saying, “This guys moving in on your girl”. To which Tech Boy responded, “ It’s ok, she’ll kick his ass.” His step father didn’t think that was the point. The point was if some other guy is trying to get with your girl, you say something. I can’t say I disagreed. The whole thing was very awkward to me. I get very sad when I enjoy talking to someone and it turns out they really just want to make a move on me. I don’t see myself that way, so I don’t assume other people see me that way.

Meanwhile, the douchebag I’d been talking to started trying to guilt me. Oh, gee you shouldn’t flirt with me then. Flirt? I wasn’t flirting, I was having a conversation. I like to talk to people. Oh, you just like to talk to people. I see. Sure. Fuck you asshole.

I’m hearing his stepfather talk to Tech Boy as this guy is trying to guilt me. I’m hearing him tell him how I’m telling this guy to leave me alone as I’m trying to get out of this conversation with this guy. Seriously, every time we go out, and he leaves me alone for 10 seconds, some guy tries to hit on me. I’m not exaggerating. It’s ridiculous.

It’s also upsetting to me. What am I doing wrong? Why can’t I just have a conversation with someone and not have them try to pick me up? Is it really too much to ask to just have a conversation or am I always going to be just another potential piece of ass? I realize getting laid is like the epitomy of the 20-something-male crowds goals in life (only half sarcastic about this), but does it ever occur to them that this can be hurtful? Probably not. When I realize you’re only showing an interest in me and the things I have to say because you want to get into my pants, it makes me feel worthless. I’m more than just a warm hole for you to put your cock into. It also makes me feel stupid for getting excited about having a conversation that I’m interested in when the conversation itself is just a ruse for the ulterior motive at hand.

I was kind of deflated after that. We were sitting around chatting and he asked me to come outside with him for a cigarette (him smoking, not me). It was nice to get out into the cool night air. We talked about the guy hitting on me. He asked me if he should have said something, if I’d want him to do something about it in the future. I told him if it was obvious that a guy was trying to come on to me, it’d be nice if he’d come over. He doesn’t have to say anything or beat the guy down or anything. But if he makes his presence known then it can be a non-issue real fast.

It just makes me feel awkward. I don’t assume people are hitting on me. By the time I realize it, it’s too late. And our non-relationship status makes it kind of awkward to be like, “Well, no, I don’t technically have a boyfriend, but I’m only sleeping with one person at the moment, k thanks.”

On the other hand, clearly he trusts me and thinks me capable of dealing with it on my own. Which I always do. I’m glad he has that kind of respect for me. ::sigh:: Small woman no need big strong man help protect girl from predator douchebag ::caveman grrrr:: but it’s nice to know that he’s not okay with some random guy hitting on me. Murky grey area of feminist ideology and romantic expectations going on here. Oh first world problems, how you vex me.

By the time we came back inside it was all cleared up and we’d managed to have an awkward yet productive conversation. I never would have told him to ‘come to my rescue’, not in a million years. But since he asked how he should have handled it, it made it easier for me to say that it would be nice if he stepped up or at least came over. I felt ridiculous saying it, but I’m glad I did.

At another point in the evening we got on the topic of health and what not. I’m not really sure how but it’s a pretty common topic for us because we both eat very healthy and enjoy working out. I made some comment that if I quit this {drinking} I’d probably drop to my goal weight in a week. He asked me about how much I usually eat, what my diet consists of, that sort of thing. I was really hesitant to say anything. I usually just vague these things up because I know I don’t eat as much I should. I flat out told him I didn’t want to tell him how many calories I ate a day. He guessed anyways and told me I wasn’t eating enough. We both have this terror of getting fat, but I think this may be the first time he’s gotten an indication that I’m potentially eating disordered. I don’t think he’d think about it in those terms though. He’d probably just think about it as if I were going about weight loss not as efficiently. I’m terrified to eat more even though logically I know my body probably needs more calories because of the amount that I exercise. He spent a good while trying to encourage me to eat more to fuel my body properly. At the same he’s pretty adamant that I’m perfect the way I am and I don’t need to change a single thing about my body. I’m willing to try his way. Small steps though.

By the end of the night all the musicians that had been performing sat around and just started jamming together. It was pretty awesome to hear the impromptu performance with over a dozen different instruments all complimenting each other effortlessly.

I had a really good time. His sister is a blast, his friends were a lot of fun, I had a lot of good conversations. At the end of the night he told me I was a hit and everyone loved me. And that it was really cool of me that I wanted to come out even thought I didn’t know anyone. A lot of people would feel really uncomfortable. Truth be told, I’d go pretty much anywhere he asked me to go because I’d take it as a sign that he wanted my company. That’s what really matters to me.

I’m less interested in meeting these people for who they are, and more so interested that he wants to incorporate me more into his world. That doesn’t mean I’m not interested in these people, they’re just sort of secondary. Asking me to meet people that are important to him means he’s letting me into a closer place in his life. I’m important enough to him to want to share me with the people in his life. I’m not sure if this is normal or a “Borderline thing”.