Impulsive behavior is dangerous. True? It certainly can be. In some respects though I think it’s one of my biggest assets. In relationships and in life the thing that holds a lot of people back is fear. Especially people with BPD. While I have a lot of fears, make that terror, in the back of my mind pretty damn often, I appreciate my impulsivity because despite those fears, I jump into things anyways.
I ruminate. I speculate. I overthink all potential possibilities for a scenario my mind can possibly generate. I see how absolutely wrong things can go, how badly I can break my heart…. And then I do it anyways. Ok, this isn’t great when I’m jumping into situations that a lot of people would consider dangerous, but when it comes to taking chances in life that have the potential for a positive outcome, I think it’s an asset.
Impulsive behavior coupled with self-awareness can go a really long way. Yes, sometimes the things I throw myself into go terribly wrong. My world melts down and I’m left in a puddle of destructive emotions and pain. However, I’ve taken a chance on a situation, and after some time passes…. I realize I’m still alive. I’m still going. I tried something I was terrified was going to go terribly. It actually did end tragically…. And yet? The world still revolves with me still on it. I didn’t fall off. I may have fallen apart, but eventually I pick up the pieces and put them back together. I’ve learned something that I can take with me into the future, and no matter how mind crushingly destroyed I was at the time, I see that I still lived through it.
One of the wonderful things about the human body is that pain goes away. Emotional pain, personally, is approximately a bajillion times worse than physical pain and it last an eternity. Or so it seems. But in time, it does dull. It doesn’t make the experiences any less painful at the time, but there’s no denying that things are rarely the cataclysmic event I feared they’d be.
One of the problems with BPD is that our expectations and fears are so completely blown out of proportion. Everything is amplified. A potential catastrophe. It’s paralyzing and no wonder we’re so often racked with doubt about how to proceed. When everything can hurt you it’s hard to hold onto the thought that it just might not.
Maybe I’m a masochist. Well, yes, I am a masochist, but my impulsive behavior lets me propel myself through the fear, and regardless of the consequences, I realize that life still goes on. I manage to learn something in the process, good or bad, and I didn’t die. Not dying is pretty much my main goal. Living life as painlessly as possible is the second. Except I never manage to keep that in mind long enough. And ya know what? I’m kind of glad for it.
|Living in the dark is not romantic|
I hate fear. I hate being afraid. I hate having self-doubts and being held back. Hate it. Dark Side Sith taking over the universe with the power of evil, hate. I’m glad that while things scare me, I go right ahead and do them anyways. It may set me up for a lot of trouble, but at least it doesn’t hold me back. I take a risk, take a chance, and sometimes take a little happiness along the way. Because one thing I’ve learned from living safely (read: being a numb recluse shut away from the pain of the world) is that while the risk of being hurt is as minimal as you can get, it doesn’t eliminate the pain. It just shifts it to a different persective. No longer at risk of hurt from other people, now I’m left with my loneliness and sadness locked away from the rest of the world. The chance of happiness and adventure walk hand in hand just out of reach outside my window where I’m afraid to go. No thanks.
One of the risks I took with Evil-Ex was to shed that numbness. It’s why I loved him in the first place. He brought me out of that dark unfeeling place and let me live in the light and excitement. It was a tragic mess of a disaster of a relationship, but I’ve never said I regret that decision. All the pain, all the anguish, all the mental and emotional rollercoasters aside, at least I was living. I am living. And learning in the process to avoid the lows and ride the highs. It’s not worth it to be tucked away.
Pain is what we risk for a chance at living a real life. I’d rather live a real life in the light, than remain in the shadows of what could have been.