Monday, December 10, 2012

Thoughts from the Borderline


I don’t know how to let other people take care of me. As much as I may want someone to sometimes, I just don't know how. I don’t always even know how to relax when people try. I know how to do things for people. I know how to recognize the things that people like and love and I can do that for them. Doing things for people is how I show I care. I pay attention and try to give people what they need. I’m happy taking care of people.


I feel awkward when they express their appreciation.

Even the most normal things like remembering my birthday or getting me a holiday card, it feels strange to me. Don’t get me wrong, it makes me smile and I’m very grateful, but I’m always a little surprised to be remembered, a little in shock, and unsure what the proper emotional reaction is. I’m almost embarrassed when people do things for me. Not because what people do isn’t good enough, but because I don’t know what to do with myself when I’m not the one doing things for people.

At a loss. 


4 comments:

  1. Just smile and know that you are valued.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I get it. I have no advice because I do the very same thing. I even work as a care giver and feel guilty getting a paycheck.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Wow, perfect summary of how I feel. I think I'm dealing with it worse lately, though, because I feel weird even getting gifts for other people. So I kind of push it out of my mind and forget and... don't do anything? So then I feel guilty, and

    ReplyDelete
  4. I used to think I was good at taking care of other people and myself. I have never let others take care of me and I fully understand being uncomfortable, unfamiliar, and unwanting of care from others... but isn't there some hypocrisy there? Don't we actually seek attention only sometimes ever so subtle?

    Circumstances have put me into a collision course with my "self"... and the truth is I "can" take care of others, but when it comes to me taking care of me I just don't do it nearly as well as I thought. These lyrics came to mind:

    "I know tomorrow brings the consequence
    At hand
    But I keep livin' this day like
    The next will never come"

    Who can take care of me when I can't do it myself?

    ReplyDelete

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