Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Seasons Greetings and all that. Love Haven!

Technically it's my pagan Yule Tree
Happy Holidays to everyone that celebrates whatever it is you celebrate. Happy Tuesday to everyone else! 

So far this has been a pretty mellow trip home. My anger has only tried to get away with me a few times. Unfortunately it has been a very bulimic Xmas for me so far. I was doing so well too =(  ::sigh:: Oh well. All isn't lost. It was just two days. I've relapsed before and come back stronger, so I can do it again. 

My family and I have been having a really great visit. It's really kind of wonderful. It still feels a little odd, but it really does feel wonderful. When I was younger holidays were a mess. Everything was a mess to be true. But holidays had ALL of the family waiting for me in guarded tension, unsure of what my mood would be. Depressed and mood swingy = apocalyptic gloom and the Grinch who stole Xmas and ground it into a gooey blob of broken waste under my stylish yet affordable combat boots.

I'm still a little unsettled with my extended family. I don't see them often so I still feel out of place and of course they don't know "the me that I am now" as well as my parents and siblings... so I feel like there's still some of that residual tension there. In the past I would have resented it and I'd be really offended. I get it now. I mean, I was always a little more controlled around my extended family, but they need time to actually see that I have made a lot of progress and am doing much better. 

It's stressful for me.  I haven't quite figured out how to relax and just be me. I still feel compelled to overcompensate in the way that people do for the holidays; put on a bigger smile, be more polite (okay maybe not so much with this, sarcasm is a part of my charm. I promise), show a greater interest in the things that I don't care anything about, be helpful to keep myself busy....

All while trying to be mindful of my triggers: Too much alcohol is bad... to much food is worse. When it comes to food there's a fine line between "Okay" and "Fuck It", I might as well binge to make the purge worth it. Maneuvering tricky subjects that make me sad or overwhelmed. Feeling like an outsider in your own family, while trying to act like you belong. Feeling really uncomfortable when people ask all the completely normal questions people ask when they haven't seen you in a while, and feeling like you're center stage with a spotlight in your eyes. Juggling those conversations with the appropriate amount of truth without spiraling out to complete honesty and making them feel bad for having asked (Ex. Appropriate explanations for why you broke up with your last significant other w/o getting into too much detail.... except it's all details for my brain). Finding the balance between being true to my own thoughts and feelings, while remaining mindful of the thoughts and feelings of others. This list goes on...

The point is... there's a lot going through my mind during big gatherings. It's not so simple as "just relax and be yourself". The fight to keep the holidays from becoming overwhelming can easily overwhelm me itself. 

It's a lot. It gets easier with practice though.

However you're spending your day, good luck. And if you need a helping hand there's always the Forum for a little added support. 


And for everyone with BPD and the loved ones with a Borderline in their lives... it can get better. It takes work and understanding on both parts, but things can get worlds better. 

5 comments:

  1. Happy Holiday! I hope all your wishes came true.

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  2. Sith, I pray that this finds you and your family well. Being one that has seen a dramatic improvement in your walk (at least from blogland) I have no doubt that you will find your way through this season.

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  3. I wish you only the best on this Holiday and every day!!!!

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  4. Hi haven!
    I am almost certain I have bpd, and I relate to
    Your blog a lot, but I'm not sure how to bring
    Up the topics with my psychologist. I have 7 of the
    Criteria but my current diagnosis is depression,
    Social anxiety & internet addiction. I'm stuck
    between asking for help from my shrink and just
    Giving up because nothing seems to help.
    Anywho, I love your blog and I'd like to hear your thoughts.
    - Ruby xo

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  5. I somehow happened to stumble on your blog, not sure how, divine providence I assume. Having been raised by a BPD who refuses treatment or to acknowledge a diagnosis of such I find your blog refreshing and uplifting! Being a medical professional now myself, I've spent a lot of time trying to understand it, not just for myself but for my clients as well. You should be very proud of yourself, just flipping through your blog you've not only done well to educate yourself but you're also willing to look with-in & try to find a way to heal... A very rare thing amongst many with or without a mental disorder but especially rare in a disorder that makes it particularly difficult to do so. Thank you for sharing your journey, I think the world needs more honest & positive "it CAN be done if you just imagine it" sort of mentality. :-)

    ReplyDelete

Leave me a comment! It makes me feel good and less paranoid about talking to myself =)

Also, I apologize for the Word Verification captcha's... I've been getting an incredible amount of spam and I'm quite aggravated.

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