... when you're trying to unlearn inappropriate responses. It's complicated. And I'm having a hard time figuring out what is okay, and what isn't.
Pissed off and trying to handle it “appropriately”.
So I got home. My roommate Doc hasn’t had a job for a while. Well, not a real job anyways. Not a job that doesn’t still require my roommate Monroe to pay for all of his, say, food, and living expenses. He doesn’t pay rent or contribute to utilities. It’s just me and Monroe splitting things 50/50 and him living here.
Monroe’s stepfather put his butt on the line to get him an interview for a really nice job. He’s utterly incapable of taking responsibility for himself, despite the fact that otherwise he would be pretty qualified for this job . His first interview, which was a 30 minute drive from our condo; he left our place 25 minutes before it was due to start… without taking into consideration that driving in NY at any time equals MASSIVE traffic. Seriously! He had to reschedule. Fine. He actually managed a second interview. That was this morning. He woke up apparently feeling under the weather. Monroe had to call of work, buy him new pants (b/c he decided to insulate windows in his dress pants and ruined them), and literally march him out the door so he would get to the 2nd interview on time.
This wasn’t until after he had apparently… punched a hole in one of the walls of my brand new condo. I have a $2500 security deposit invested in this place. We’ve been here less than 2 months, and I’m already at risk for losing a chunk of my security deposit. I am really not fucking happy.
I was a little in shock when Monroe told me this. I have been getting more and more angry as the night goes on. Doc asked me why I was aggravated. The conversation went like this:
Doc: Why are you aggravated Lady?
Me: Honestly? The wall.
Doc: yeah, i know, aggravated is what cause it. Don't know my own strength. I'll fix it, I already contacted my moms bf, who's a general carpenter, who's gonna walk me through it. he said its not a big deal. I really felt like an ass after i did it. It's a time consuming, yet easy fix. I got it.
Me: I have a $2500 dollar security deposit on this condo. I'm kind of pissed off. We have a punching bag outside.
Doc: it wont cost you security because, I'm going to fix it. And i didn't Punch the wall like knuckle punch I smack the fat hammer side of my fist against it, i honestly had no idea it would go through the wall. I was rather surprised when it happened.
Me: I appreciate you'll fix it. I'm still not happy at the moment.
Doc: Of course not, I understand. I was an ass.
*** End Conversation***
By the way, hitting something with a closed fist, yet doing it with the fatty part of your hand? Is called a Hammer Fist. I’ve broken 3” of wood board like this. If you hit a wall with your ass hard enough, it’s going to break.
What makes me more angry? I used to do this all the fucking time at my parents house. I broke windows, walls, doors. And I fixed those too. I learned how to spackle a wall and paint it so you can’t tell the difference. I’m angry that I have to feel like how I’m sure I made my parents feel.
His aggravation was caused by his cell phone not charging properly. To be fair to me, when I broke house pieces, it was at least because someone tried to rape me. Okay, maybe once it was because my OCD was so out of control and I was panicking, but it wasn’t b/c my cell phone wasn’t working right.
I’m having a dilemma of figuring out exactly how mad is appropriate. I really want to lose my shit and let him know that it’s really not fucking out to do that kind of shit to property that isn’t his, that he has no investment in, and especially in a place that I need to be a safe place. I am right now, furious. I feel I have every right to be. I’m not sure what is okay to express.
I have been working very hard to temper my behavior to be more appropriate. This is causing a strange outcome of not knowing how to respond though, even if it seems justified. I’ve been working very hard on this whole healing and reacting appropriately thing.
What do you do what anger is the appropriate response?
Right now I’m second guessing whether it’s okay to show my anger, to express it more, to hold it back, what? I appreciate that he’ll fix it. I know it’s not a difficult fix b/c I’ve done it plenty of times myself. But that doesn’t change the fact that I’m still angry and that it’s still unacceptable when he’s contributing nothing to my home.
I love him as a friend, but if I have to look him in the eyes right now, I seriously am going to tell him that if he does something like that again, I’m kicking him out. I feel this would be an overreaction that would probably ruin our friendship. I’m almost sure of it. It is just a wall. It’s my wall, but it’s just a wall.
Angry. Very angry. Trying to figure out the proper perspective and reaction to have when my default is something very different, is, strange. Especially when I recognize each perspective for what they are.
I ‘m going to do what my cognitive logic says I should do. I’ve expressed my displeasure and I have reassurance that he will fix it so I won’t lose my deposit.
Anything more I will keep to myself. I am having a glass or two (or three) of wine to help me calm down. I will go to sleep, and go to the gym and work off my anger there in the morning.
Get through the moment.