Lucid Analysis – Trials in Therapy : Wounds and Healing

Therapy started with talking about Roommates impending move. This Saturday is it. Every time I try to talk about it I start to choke up. The apartment is full of boxes and it makes me sad. Therapist gave me this perspective that I really relate to: She said I’m one of her favorite clients and she actually misses not seeing me every week now, but at the same time that means I’ve been in a more stable and comfortable place with my healing. So while she misses me, she’s also happy that I’m making so much progress for my future which makes her happy as well. This is something that Roommate needs to do for her and ultimately I want whatever makes Roommate happy. She’s such a wonderful person I can understand the need to take the next step in her life as it’s evolving. I also recognize that there is a selfish side of me that doesn’t want her to leave because I’m going to miss her and I’m worried about what will become of our friendship. I recognize that selfishness, but I’m not going to let it stand in either of our way. Therapist says this is a very mature attitude. Especially since Roommate has told me that she thinks this will actually make our friendship grow closer. That gives me some hope.

I’m worried though. I’m worried that with my object constancy issues I’ll lose my connection to her since we won’t see each other every day. I’ve internalized her and our friendship in a way that actually feels real to me. This doesn’t happen with many people. One of the reasons I internalized Friend so hard was because we were in almost constant contact. He was a constant presence in my life. I’m worried that when Roommate is no longer a part of my every day experience that this will be cause me to lose my hold on our connection. Therapist tells me that this comes from my abandonment wounds. I am going to try to look at this from a place of moving forward, not from a perspective of endings. Part of me still feels like she’s leaving me even though cognitively I can recognize that we will remain friends. The feeling is still there and I’m struggling to reconcile what I know and what I feel.

I’m also worried about Saturday because K and Twiggy will be involved in helping her move. I don’t think there any hostile feelings from them towards me, but I’m worried about how awkward it could be and how I’m supposed to act with them in my space. Therapist says to just be pleasant and civil and they’ll pick up on my energy and most likely respond in kind, as they did at the wedding. I guess we’ll just have to see. I’m trying not to dwell on it especially since I know I’m going to have a hard enough time as it is.

I’m trying to reconcile myself. Doc and Dr.GF/Monroe are super excited (yes both!) to be moving in with me. Doc is probably one of the rarest people I’ve ever met because the very day I met him I attached to him and him to me, happily, in a very platonic way. Monroe is super sweet.  I couldn’t have a better people taking my other room. It’s still going to be a big transition for me though.

Better than a caterpillar in your eye. 

Fortunately. Something I’m trying very hard to keep in mind. Something that’s important to keep in mind. I’ve noticed quite often in my life, the anticipation is often so much worse than the actual event itself.  The fear of letting go, the fear of what will or won’t happen next, that buildup that sets my brain spinning down all the deep dark paths into the unknown… the things that never end up happening. The anticipation is worse, and what I fear never really comes to pass. In many ways, things have turned out better than I could have hoped for. I have to keep reminding myself that the runaway thoughts are not reality. I won’t know what will actually happen until it does. I also trust Roommate. That more than anything is important for me to keep in mind. It’ll be okay. It’ll be different. But that doesn’t mean it’ll be bad.

::deep breath::

We also did kind of a check up on how I’ve been gauging myself (since we moved to every other week). I’ve been writing more. And of course, this blog. It’s funny because I feel like the existence of this blog has bits of my neurosis in its creation as well. I am definitely impulsive, but I’m a bit compulsive as well. When something is brought to my attention I have to know EVERYTHING about it. Everything. It becomes a passion for me. Unique to this case it forces me to confront what I’m dealing with every day. I’m doing all of this research, all of this writing, relating my experience to the information I find, and it helps me in a very significant way by working on myself every day. Therapy for me is every day, not just actual sessions with Therapist. Therapist doesn’t like labels, but we talked about my being Borderline a lot and despite having all of these obstacles just how much progress I’ve made and how much I’ve accomplished on my journey to healing, how proud she is of me. I’m taking something very traumatic, painful, and often triggering, and turning it into something that helps me heal, and helps others heal as well. She’s very proud of what I’m doing. It’s funny for me, because I still feel like just one woman doing what I can get to feel better. Yet, I receive such wonderful feedback with those of you who leave comments here, or e-mail me with your stories and questions. It really does help me feel more connected and like I’m not suffering through these things alone, and I hope that’s a sentiment many of you can feel as well. There are a lot of us. You’re not alone.

Alright, let’s put that 4^th wall back up.

So of course we talked about Tech Boy. I still don’t necessarily feel completely connected to him though I do care about him a lot. We have different personality types and I’m still struggling with the creativity thing, but on the other hand, he’s just so bleeding sweet to me and I definitely have a feeling of safety when I’m with him. It could be that I just need more time. It does take me an extraordinarily long time to really internalize most people, especially when I’m guarded against them in some ways emotionally. It could also be that since I am not dragging myself through an emotionally unobtainable and crazy making relationship I don’t have the rollercoaster of anxiety to propel myself off the emotional rail = what I interpret as romantic love. I’ve still struggling with understanding what a healthy loving relationship is. I think I’m in one, but it’s so different from what I’m used to it’s just, foreign. How sad.   

I mean, I still have things I don’t feel like I can tell him about but Therapist actually thinks that my conflict about being able to discuss my past problems and mental issues with Tech Boy could have been very positive for me. Instead of focusing on all the problems and being mired in the past, he keeps me present, working on the now so that we could develop a healthy relationship and really get to know each other. Get to know who each other are now, because I’m not the same person I used to be and I don’t need to constantly dwell on all of that. I’m still me, but I’m a healthier version of me.  

We also still need to work on my body-perception as well. Not surprising. I’m very triggered by stress and feeling out of control. When things feel beyond my control, I definitely take it out on myself and come down on myself in a way that really isn’t healthy. It’s not as punitive as it used to be. I don’t feel a compulsion to cut and I can go out in public now if I’m not having the best day, but I still catch myself talking to down to myself and feel a need to punish myself in some way but I don’t act on it. I do have days when I cancel plans and need to stay in, but it's nowhere near as often as it used to be. I’m really trying to work on stopping those feelings. I’m aware of when I’m slipping and even if I can’t always stop myself, I can take note of it. I try to remind myself that it’s not the end of the world. There’s always tomorrow and I can start again. It’s not a failure unless I quit completely and walk away. Bleh. I just can't see what's in the mirror properly. I have this need to be perfect for people, when no one really cares but me. My friends don't care what I look like, they love me for me. I have a problem connecting to my own identity properly and loving me for me too. 

But yeah. This week has been very hectic with all the packing and work being crazy. I’ve been a little unfocused because of all the change that’s about to happen. Wish me luck this weekend.