Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Push Me - Pull You : The Push-Pull Cycle


The Push-Pull cycle in Borderline Personality Disorder is complicated. There’s a million different variables that lead into and cause various episodes of this; love, fear, abandonment, dissociation, object constancy, splitting, etc. I’ve talked about the push-pull cycle, mentioned aspects of it in various places, but I don’t believe I’ve tried to pull it all together in one place. So let’s do that.

Push-Pull - is a chronic pattern of sabotaging and re-establishing closeness in a relationship without apparent cause or reason. It’s that back and forth feeling of wanting to be close to someone, letting them into a more intimate and vulnerable position in our life, being suffocated, or becoming afraid of that vulnerability, needing to escape [potentially] being hurt, fearing the loss, acting on that fear, and then desperately trying to get that person back from fear of that abandonment, often by apologizing profusely and doing everything we can to be perfect for them again. Rinse. Lather. Repeat.

Often for me this breaks down to two key factors; wanting to be intimately close to someone, and fear of being hurt/abandoned by them at the same time. The closer you allow someone to get to you, the more vulnerable you become to the reality that they are now in a position to hurt you more than other people. If you keep people at a distance you have a safety zone, an emotional buffer. But this doesn’t allow for true intimacy.

It’s that whole threat of intimacy. I want to be close, but I want to be safe too. The closer someone gets, the more able they are to hurt me. So someone gets too close, I push away. Half the time I think it’s for their own good! I know my issues. I’ve ruminated on the millions of possibilities that could happen if someone gets close enough to see the “real me”. The illusion of perfection will be shattered in the tarnished portrait of the bad person I really am. For as much as I want love, want to love, I don’t always believe I deserve it because I know how much has happened to me, everything I’ve done, all my baggage is too much to place on another person. What right do I have to unload all of this onto someone? So pushing away really is for their own good after all. Of course I’m rationalizing, but it’s true to me regardless. But then I’m left alone, I get lonely, and I miss the closeness that was there, and I want to pull back.

For the most part I think it’s a fear response. Fear that we will be left, that we aren’t worthy of being loved, that people are lying and trying to use us… an endless list of other things. We need reassurance and it takes a lot of energy to show us that. Unfortunately it’s a part of our nature to need this. It’s also a part of our nature to feel smothered by it, push it away, fear the loss of it, frantically try to retrieve it, and repeat the cycle endlessly, for as long as someone will let us.

From my article on Baiting and Picking Fights:
There’s something else though. An element of, if the other person will allow me to push, stay with me through the hurtful things I do, it ‘proves’ that they won’t abandon me. The more we can push away, the more baits and barbs we can throw, the more fights we can pick, the longer they show that they’ll tolerate it or try to work it out with us, the more we can believe that they mean what they say and aren’t trying to deceive us … If we can make someone we care for SO ANGRY, they’ll either prove us right, or prove us wrong. Either way we’ll know something for sure, and it stops (momentarily) the constant second guessing going on in our heads. Believing someone, trusting someone… I know I’ve been hurt so badly that I can never fully do this. That doesn’t mean I don’t want it. I just have to test the fences to be sure.

I think what triggers unstable behavior in relationships is the magnitude of intimacy. The closer the relationship, the more invested we are, the more frightening the possibility of it ending becomes. Funny, that this is almost always a self-fulfilling prophecy. We become frightened something will happen, we act in ways to push people away, to distance ourselves from them, before they can hurt us, and this very act is what starts the downward spiral into the destruction of the relationship. It sounds clean cut when you look at it like that, but it never is.



The pushing away is gradual. Often we don’t even recognize the things we do that manifest as pushing people away. Our thoughts and actions seem quite rational to our traumatized mind. No one sees it coming, not even us most of the time.

Hypersensitive to feeling trapped! This is one of the biggest triggers that makes me push away in relationships. It’s coupled by the sensation of being smothered. Boring-Ex smothered me. He’d coddle me. I would see him and I would have no room to express myself, be myself, I would lose myself because he would criticize when I did express myself. His personality was so overbearing that I could feel the air being slowly sucked out of my lungs whenever I was near him. I didn’t feel like I could be me, and the only way I knew to reestablish that was to eliminate the problem that created this deficit; the relationship. I did try talking to him about these things, but he wasn’t the kind to compromise.

That’s not to say that everything that goes on is purely in our own minds and created by our fears. Things are often brought about by how the other person treats us. I’ll do so much for people, pull people close, meet their needs and demands, and then eventually I’ll flip. I’ll be completely overwhelmed by what someone else wants when it’s not what I want. This often happens because I’ll take on so much responsibility for “our happiness” that I don’t express what I need in a constructive way. Instead, I’ll feel like I’m losing my sense of Self to their needs, not my own, that what I’ve just been doing is now too much, being taken advantage of, a demand instead of a desire, expected not appreciated and I’ll have to Push away to regain control of my own situation. It’s not quite the same as the traditional Push-Pull explanation, but the sentiments match up. It inspires feelings of resentment and resistance coupled with the borderline flipside desire to not be abandoned and needing approval. Can’t be too aggressive otherwise we’ll push people away irrevocably, can’t be too passive and just let things slide because then we’re just being taken advantage of and the resentment builds to explosion.  

A Non may have done nothing wrong, they may have unintentionally triggered us, or they may be someone that we’re afraid to get too close to because we can see the potential for an intimate relationship. Seeing the potential doesn’t mean we’re prepared to deal with it though. For me, and for many with BPD, there is a lot of abuse, a lot of hurt, a lot of pain in our past, and each new relationship is an opportunity to repeat that process. We have to move slow, emotionally. I often move fast physically to stave off the emotional intimacy that I really need. When I sense things getting too close, closer than I prepared to handle, I need to reestablish a safe zone, I push back. Sometimes this just means taking some space, sometimes it manifests as baiting and picking fights, sometimes it means dropping off the radar completely until I’m ready to rejoin humanity. What I want is to be close, but not too close. I can’t figure out how to do this without pushing away and pulling closer. Allowing someone in, and then forcing them back out.

How do you cultivate trust when you’ve been so wounded? How do you cultivate trust when you don’t actually know how to trust?
Finally, this also happens when we plain just don’t want to be with someone anymore. I’m not going to lie. This is exactly what happened with Boring-Ex. I wasn’t attracted to him when we were together. The only time I was attracted to him was when we were breaking up. I absolutely believe this was because I was more afraid of The Loss and not necessarily the loss of him.  So I would pull him back to me, despite the fact that I knew deep down that I didn’t really want to be with him. It still FELT like I did. In the moment I absolutely believed I needed to be with him. It was the fear of that loss that triggered my need to pull him back to me though.
The Push-Pull cycle is insidious. It sneaks up on you. Neither person may notice it at first because it begins so small. Only once it escalates do you really realize what is happening.

87 comments:

  1. I think the fact that you want intimacy at all is a good step in the right direction. I have trouble even really wanting to get that close to anyone. It's a nice idea and all I guess, but.... I dunno. it's like I can't have that closeness with someone unless I can somehow control their mind/thoughts and actions all the time, which is obviously impossible.

    As for trust?..... :/

    I think you're asking the right questions, though; and questioning the thought processes sometimes that hold you back.

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  2. Another perfectly timed blog entry, Haven. Last night I broke up with my friend. Ive been doing push/pull with him (he does it with me too) for the last few weeks and last night I snapped. I told him he wasnt being fair to me, he didnt love me enough to be my boyfriend, he just wants a glorified fuckbuddy and Im done with it.

    Its hard for me, because I cant tell when I am standing up for myself and when I am being overdemanding and unreasonable. I think its reasonable that I would want us to be making some forward progress after 8 months, and not him just using me for sex. He doesnt see it that way. He's all "different love" and he cares about me, just like he cares about the other women he fucks.

    Ive got to work on me. I cant be involved with someone who wont even commit to me in a non-monogamous fashion. It is killing what little self esteem I have.

    I was hoping when I pushed him away last night he would step up, but he didnt. So now I have to let him go :(

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    1. Oh man that sucks. Or maybe it's for the best that you finally snapped. The cycle is often more vicious than the actual ending of the relationships.

      It sounds like you've put up with too much in this relationship so far and you're not being unreasonable.

      There's never fault in needing to work on you. You deserve someone that holds you up and makes you feel good, not someone that fucks with your head and destroys your self esteem.

      It'll probably be rough for a bit but you can get through it.

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    2. Sarah

      I hear you. I'm only on this site trying to understand the push/pull. I can tell you as a "non", you are not over-reacting. By 8 months, most men are sharing their long term relationship goals.

      If he can't even be exclusive with you then you dont sleep with him. You need to roll back girl and go completely NO CONTACT. This idiot is playing you and humans will expend the least amount of energy possible for the benefits...would you pay $20 for something you could pay $2 for. His personality is almost impossible to change until he is ready. No perfect woman is going to make him change, yes yes all of us want to be the exception and tame him into being loving and committed but that only happens when HIS time is ready for that...not how wonderful the woman is....the woman who makes him change just happens to turn up at the right time...if you're thinking of hanging around incase he spontaneously combusts from a cockroach, to a frog to a prince (thanks Baggage Claim website for that quote), then you're dreaming girl

      Power up my friend....get rid of him and make the next guy value you...no sex until he is exclusive...you are worth more than casual.

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  3. Great post Haven, I agree with Sarah. Nicely timed.

    I'm the effing champ of push/pull.

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  4. Information and education are the key. Some people are well worth fighting through the Push/Pull battle. Haven, thanks for the info & the education. The Champ isn't so bad. :)

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  5. I've overcome part of this as I have been happily married 15 years in May. We had some rough times, but when I "restarted" therapy, I was diagnosed with PTSD and Major Depressive Disorder which caused me to go into full Borderline chaos. My husband started therapy and learned how to manage and take care of himself. This is one of the few relationships that I am firmly attached. However, I still do this with my therapist, but not as much. In the beginning of my first round of therapy, I tested and tested and push and push and pulled and pulled. Thank God he hung in there because it was 7 years of learning how to trust that he was going to just show up.

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  6. My boyfriend of three years has just broken up with me three weeks ago. He has been diagnosed with different metal illnesses and one of this is BPD. I guess my question is, how can I tell if he just broke up with me because he is in his push/pull cycle or does he acutally want to break up with him. I know either way, it is his reality that he does not want to be in a relationship. I guess if he is going through a pull/pull cycle, I will try to tough it out and support him and be there for him. If he really does not want to be in a relationship, I guess I would just have to walk away.

    When I hung out with him this past weekend, I told him I felt like he cleaned me out of his condo but he actually stashed everything of ours/mine in the closet. He told me that he did not throw anything out. I had asked him why and he said something along the lines that he doesn't know what will happen in the future. I think he might be implying that he thinks there is a possibility we would get back together(?).

    He made plans with me to attend a music festival this weekend and seems to be very excited about it. Of course, with me still wanting to be in a relationship with him, I agreed to attend this music festival with him.

    I asked him he hangs out with me because he thinks it is easier for me or if he just feels sorry/bad for me. He said he hangs out with me because he likes it but then I ask him questions and that frustrates him and then he feels conflicted.

    He has told me that he needs me to move on and that he just wants to be alone and he doesnt want to be in a relationship...that he will just end up hurting me and he will never be able to commit to me like I commit to him.

    Help!! I want to stay in this but am I just really being stupid?

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    1. From my experience when I push away it's almost immediately followed by an attempt to pull back. Smaller arguments I'll try to pull back right away, after major break ups it'll be within a couple days and I'll be in a panic until I can get back with them.

      It doesn't sound like there's anything like that here. He may genuinely like you as a person (which is why he didn't just throw out your stuff which would be rude) and want to keep you in his life, but if he's not making an attempt to actually get back together, apologizing profusely, begging you to come back, etc, then his attempts to stay in contact may be genuine platonic affection but not romantic.

      He's told you that he doesn't want to be in a relationship so you should probably take him at his word. He sounds like he cares for you but that doesn't mean it's right for a relationship. Honestly the best thing for you is probably to take some time off from him until you can move on and get over your feelings for him. He's already out. For you to stay in and keep asking him questions is probably why he gets frustrated.

      For someone diagnosed with BPD this actually sounds like a pretty rational and reasonable response from him.

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    2. Thanks for your response.

      I guess I was confused because he told me he didn't want to be in a relationship and then he would tell me that he might change his mind next week. So then I have this glimps of hope.

      He has told me that he feels conflicted, frustrated and like he is suffocating and a lot of it has nothing to do with me or the relationship. He said that he pushes me away because that is what he has always done in the past. He said when he feels like this, he just pushes people away...and that is part of the reason why he doesn't have many friends...and then he feels down because he doesn't have many friends.

      I guess I just want to make sure of everyting because I walk away. I had once told him that he cannot push me away like he did to his friend and that I would be here for him and love him no matter how crazy the rollercoaster is.

      He said that he doesn't usually know if he is doing the push/pull thing until later on and then he regrets it.

      He said with that saying "you don't know what you have until it is gone", he has to play that game. He feels like he has to break up with me to see if he gets that feeling(?).

      Anyways, thanks for listening to me rant and vent.

      I really thought he was in the push/pull cycle and maybe I painted it that way to give myself hope.

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    3. and if I tell him I'm going to let him go, if this is a push/pull cycle, he would want to get close to me again?

      Sorry, I get kind of confused. I have different people telling me different things.

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    4. Yeah it's likely. If you tell him you're going to move on, and actually make the move so it looks like you are... if he starts getting clingy or really needs attention and wants to get even closer again then it would be more push/pull cycle.

      If he let's you move on, then he may just mean what he says.

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    5. Thank you for your help.

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    6. Ultimately the choice is yours and depends on what you're okay with dealing with. It's never just one cycle of push-pull. It will happen over and over, maybe not forever, but it isn't usually just one instance. That can be a lot for people to take emotionally, but if he's someone that you feel is worth it (because we do have many many redeeming qualities as people, BPD aside), then it could be worth the emotional investment for you.

      Either way, it sounds like if you don't take a step back, he won't be able to figure it out. I do understand what he means. I'm usually never sure about someone until I discover how afraid I am of losing them.

      Really the best advice I can give is try not to overthink it, and take it day by day.

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    7. We had a brief conversation last night. He said that now that he is not with me, he doesn't feel frustrated anymore. He is not sure why and he can't pinpoint the reason. I guess it really was the relationship then if he doesn't feel frustrated anymore.

      Thanks for all your responses.

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    8. Not a problem at all. Sometimes things just end. In the end it'll be better for both of you to find someone that is who you really needs. I know it feels horrible now though ::hugs::

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    9. This sort of reminds me of my current situation, but I'm not sure. My boyfriend and I broke up because he had a freak out one night during an argument and I ended up in the hospital diagnosed with BPD because of my subsequent breakdown over it. For me, that helped me make a lot of sense of what sorts of things were happening in my head during various situations, but I often sometimes wonder if my boyfriend is also undiagnosed BPD, and here's why...

      Since the breakup, we have been slowly reestablishing a relationship from the ground up, and the process has been a few months. He has said to me and some of his friends that he just wants to focus on fixing himself and our friendship for now and I was okay with that, because I felt like we would eventually gravitate towards what we had naturally. But then the push-pull began, and I recognized it from the brief break up we had had about a year and half prior. He'd build me up, talk to me, want to hang out with me, then go a little quiet. The big difference in this time and last time is that I have been trying to be more communicative, especially about the things that trigger my BPD and make me split, like this push/pull cycle. Recently, his push phase went so far as to be flirting with me and teasing with rekindling the relationship for about a week, and then he went stone quiet. My BPD was obviously super triggered by this, and I often end up riding the tides of his push/pull, but when I made him tell me what was going on (as I could tell it couldn't be just "work is stressful" since he was being more quiet than usual), he said he met someone he was getting a feel for and might consider pursuing, though maybe they'd just end up friends, the relationship would be hard, he wasn't sure.

      So after thinking about it for a few days, I told him that maybe we shouldn't talk for a bit until he figured out what he wanted to do, because my brain couldn't handle being put in those emotionally vulnerable situations so often. I asked for just two weeks of this, and he said not to put a time limit on it, for me to take the space I needed, and he'd take his, and that I could contact him when I felt comfortable to. It hasn't even been a week and I'm dying... I want to reach out again, but if his behavior is anything like last time, putting my foot down and sticking to it is what made him clean up his act. So I'm hoping that this will be the right move to stop the cycle, but I've also been freaking out that I just slammed the door and he'll think I'm overreacting to something that might not even mean anything except that he's crazy confused and conflicted and unable to tell up from down.

      Our mutual friends all express pride that I stood up for myself because he was jerking me around, though all of them contest that knowing him, it was unlikely he had any idea he was. Some of my other friends feel like I'm too fixated on him, but I think that's because they've been listening to me handle this push/pull thing for like half a year now. Anyway, I guess I'm just curious what you think of this situation, if it sounds like my boyfriend is push/pulling or if he's just fucking with me. And maybe if my prediction that putting my foot down will help at least push him out of the cycle, if not back to me?

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  7. hello Haven...after being envolved with my boyfriend with BPD...things were looking pretty good for the past 3 months, he tells me he needs some time off to get a clear picture, he needs to challenge his day to day fears, it has nothing to do with me he says...now its 5 days and have no news....what do i do?...i have some very deep feelings for this man, but don't know if i should just let it be till he comes back to me...or move on, or at least try...cause i am so deeply hurt...lolita

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    1. I would say it's ok to check in. Tell him you're thinking about him and wonder where he is.

      5 days isn't terribly long. I've taken breaks from people because I believed I need to before that have lasted longer. It's ok to touch base, but don't push. Let him have the space he needs but reassure him that you'll be there when he comes back.

      If he takes much, much to long, than make it clear that you need someone that will be there. You don't deserve to wait around forever. But if you really do care, it's okay to wait a while a give him time to work through what he's working through.

      Relationship are a two way street. It's important, and productive, that he's telling you what he needs. But it's important that he respects what you need as well when you need some reassurance as well.

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    2. thanks for your reply...very kind of you...i spoke to him last thursday...he give me all kinds of excuses why he wasn't calling...one of them was that his therapist prefers that he is alone...then he told that while he was with me i talked too much about my ex...i reassured him with that...so he told me he would call me the next day...he didn't so i made the weekend pass...and i text him tonight telling him i wanted to know if he was ok...and that i was on st.denis street and thinking of him because we use to go there often....he replied that him too was on st. denis street having supper with his son...and also thought about me...and thats the way he ended it...now i am more confused because i don't want to call him back...don't want to bother him....oh by the way i had some clothes at his place and the other day he said he would mail it to me....he is acting very strange....i wonder if he moved on with someone else????...do you think he has remorse and he would even miss me???....don't know what to do....right now i need to consult...its the first time i care so much about a man...thanks Haven just to read me....!!!

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  8. Thank you Haven for sharing your insights. This is exactly what I needed to read and have some degree of understanding. For the past year and a half, I have been trying to pinpoint this very description of behaviour.In one weeks time, I have had three phonecalls; can we start seeing each other again and take it slow, then planning future events and staying over at his new place and then the call a few days later, you and I can't get back together. There is no future with us. Sheer past projected breakups already predicting future outcomes. All breakups have stemmed from jealousy, trust issues and non anger provoking situations. A rollercoaster ride at a non amusement park!

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  9. Hi Haven. I stumbled upon your blog yesterday and can't stop reading. The same way I walked into an Al-ANON(my boyfriend got sober 6 months prior) meeting 8 months ago and realized I am actually an alcoholic myself(6 months sober Aug.6th), yesterday I began a voracious hunt for the reasons why I still think and act the way I do(the inner devils still hanging about), and felt a sad relief that BPD is me.Unquestionably, your empathy, personal stories and candor have soothed, shocked, amused, compelled and inspired me through 5 days of silence from my boyfriend of 3 years.

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  10. He is a recovered alcoholic, almost a year, and is doing well. We were living together, both sober and having every chance to have a healthy relationship, but because of my over-the top overreacting word for word same inner thoughts and outer actions/reactions as you told with your boyfriend, it became clear that I had to move out.I left kicking and screaming literally.Yup, you know what kind of lunatic I acted like.When I'm like that it's not dramatic. It's something beyond a definable emotion. I was getting literally out of my mind. The way I was acting was in no way correlating to what I was feeling. Instead of calmly talking to my bf, I emotionally ruined us. I pushed so far it wasn't far enough in my eyes....never is--sadly. It was watching a physical body writhe and cry being controlled by a mind not foreign to it, but not of it's choosing. I've been inflicting this scenario on my bf for 3 years. I don't want to do it anymore. No physical being would willingly put a BPD mind in the command center! I got sober, yet with not a drop of booze in me for 6 months, my emotional "freak outs" continued on their usual 2-day cycle. 2 good days/2 screaming, aggressive,awful beyond irrational behavior would ensue---torture me and him for 24hours straight(I would not allow either of us to sleep). Some AA's would say I'm a dry drunk. That term is loosely defined as continuing to do the same things that didn't work when drunk-sober. I guess that label probably works too!Bring on the dysfunction! Moreover the clustered group of thoughts/experiences/reactions/obsessive behaviors and mind ruminations define the brain that I have. It's how my brain works and always has. I can accept that my brain is sucky and broken and ill, I just want to believe that there are ways or medicines out there that will allow me to have happy relationships again.

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  11. I can see clearly my inappropriate reactions now that I'm sober, but they are not stopping soley because there is no booze in my brain. So I had to figure something more was going on. I've known something was simply not functioning in my brain the way it does in non-BPD people since I was a toddler, I've just never had it spelled out so plainly and clearly!THANK YOU!Obviously, this isn't a happy revelation(addict and probably BPD) but if I can somehow stay alive maybe there is hope that I can find a way to have close healthy relationships with people. I never have. You've given me so much to think about. While I'm so daunted by the total destruction I've caused, tonight(it's 4am and no im not up for work!insomnia every night...yay)I think I want to live. Like you I've never thought of actually killing myself. I was more of the mind of not caring if lived I died. If I drank myself into a coma one night and my heart just stopped beating, well ok...I've always wondered if heaven actually exists and if it's cool like in the movie Ghost?----WTF?! That's my alcoholic mind at it's finest.I do care if I live or die today, but I'm left with an unsoothed BPD mind coping with being asked to leave my home with my boyfriend, and being afforded no compassion, love, support, familiarity or continued commitment from the man I love. Totally alone, living with an overweight, alcoholic, meeting-a-guy obsessed,disliking-being around me because I'm skinny obsessed, dirty, disorganized, smelly, poor-hygenic roommate.I need to make a move to live in a home bursting with good vibes and karma, uncluttered and clean home. It's not about the money. I can afford to live elsewhere. I came here, to this old drinking buddy's(that's all she really ever was)apartment at the last minute when my bf kicked me out. Right now, I feel beyond scared. I feel doom, like surely, I will screw it up again, continue to be miserable and unable to cope and make good decisions. I have so much practice of making bad choices and suffering amazingly unbelievable bad consequences.Yea well it looks like I have to keep this sucky brain because I can't find a coupon for a brain trade or upgrade or something on line.

    But thanks to you Haven I'm going to try to get through this and live and not lose the person I love or myself to this mental disaster, well permanent state of chaos is a better description. I've lived in crisis mode for 25 years.Here's to hope for finding some kind of sustainable relief, respite and unconditional understanding from the people we love. Tonight I'm meditating and praying that the people I love can find a way to internalize how sad I am to own this brain and how very much I want to change so that I can love them back!

    You are flat out a gifted writer. I'm glad you're writing a book. Your blog is the definitive, go-to resource for BPD folks. I was a journalist. I worked writing for a CBS television affiliate for years. You're good! I destroyed that writing opportunity, but just reading about your life and seeing the words come together to affect the world-really is awesome. I just want to encourage you to keep going. You already have something great, and you are inspiring me to at least start journaling again tomorrow.I've so much gratitude for you and I may never meet you. Thank you seems so small....a little prayer I hear every day, so simple. never overused...it can't be I don't think. It applies so sweetly to almost everyone in the world: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

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  12. Anonymous and Haven, it was great to read your comments on here. I too have been in a very similar relationship to Anonymous where I have been dealing with what I believe is a BPD man. He has not been diagnosed or at least he has been diagnosed but he never told me. Anonymous if you click on my name it will bring you to my blog and it may help you in someway as your relationship is so similar to mine its uncanny. My 'BPD' man told me towards the end of our 6 year relationship he didnt want or need anyone when it came down to it. That of course crushed me because we had been together a long time and towards the end he was just calling me his friend. He told me right from the start he could only sustain a easy going relationship but I fell for him because he was wonderful, attentive, caring and all those things I look for when I seek a mate. But overtime I felt that things were not terrific.

    Initially we had probs in the bedroom dept and he blamed it on 'performance anxiety' telling me it was perhaps just psychological he couldnt perform. Then we got a little help and things improved and we were very happy for a while. But the moment I really needed him (I miscarried) he may have been there for me on Gmail but in person he was not. Any little thing like my grandfathers death, my Mum's breast cancer, moving house etc He really was not there and didnt seem to know how to be there for support.

    OK some men dont do feelings sort of stuff but with him I knew something was different. He is a gifted musician and he would fly into a rage when things didnt go right or he would often talk more about himself than us.... I also spent many a time boosting his ego too.

    Now I am alone. In Feb of this year he dropped a bombshell on me, he told me he had met up with an old school friend. Time will tell with that relationship and we have only had sporadic contact since yet he still keeps my number on his mobile, I am still on his Gmail. Like you I thought we could be forever. I put so much love into this man and within a short time of his news I at the tender age of 38 had an angina attack. My heart suffered really badly and I just thought it was a panic attack at first.

    Maybe one day he may come back and maybe your guy may too but for me I am not going to sit around Anonymous I have to move forward. Yes its hard, its bloody hard but my health is important and more important than waiting around for someone who pushes and pulls you when they want you. How about you tend to you now. Nuture yourself, find some people that have similar interests and get out and discover what is out your front door step. I walk every day to work and although its hard without this man near, I breathe deeply and I enjoy the sunshine, I take time to enjoy what is around me rather than rushing as I did with this guy. I learnt so much from being with him but right now I am learning about me and once you find out about you, you will love yourself more. You will be ready for someone, not necessarily him but you will have more confidence in yourself too. We will survive!! Be strong :-)

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  13. Hi, I just wanted to leave a little post of deep thanks. I only just read this blog post for the first time a few minutes ago, and I'm sitting here shaking and trying not to burst into tears (of both happiness and sadness!).

    FINALLY there's something that's written in just the right way - so that I can understand - that tells me what's going on within me! I'm so familiar with the Push-Pull Cycle, I've had it for as long as I can remember. Naturally, it's been hellish.

    There's a wonderful, caring man in my life who's showing interest in me (and who is a Clinical Psychologist, of all occupations!), and while he's in the perfect place to understand me, I just don't want to screw things up again.

    I'm not expecting miracles, but I do hope that the information that I have gleaned from your post will help me to see what's happening, and try to either ward off some of the cycle, or at least be able to explain to him what's happening to me.

    Thank you. Thank you so much. x

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    1. Hello and welcome. I'm so glad you were able to find the kind of understanding that you've been searching for.

      It really is hellish. I know everyone has different ways of dealing, but for me I do think it's helpful to be able to recognize my behaviors so I can learn to deal with them better in the future. I hope you're able to as well.

      Good luck!

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  14. There was this guy and we got really close, we both really liked each other and he asked me out but before I could answer he suddenly changes his mind and says it "might not work" what's happening??

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    1. Sounds like he has some rejection fears there. Beyond that I can't really say.

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  15. Hi Haven, I finally found a blog which seems to be helping me in understanding my own situation. There are so many questions I have but don't know where to start. I am in a push/pull friendship/relationship? with someone who shows all of these traits you list. (I feel I am reading all about him)

    I really love him and would never do anything to hurt him, but he HAS hurt me terribly in the past. Confrontation led to total denial on his part,I understand completey why he denied his actions but at the same time I knew he was lying to me which only served to hurt me more.

    As all of the drama unfolded I gathered a deep sense of him being scared that I would hurt him in return (in other words, take some kind of revenge)

    He has hung on to me now for more than the last year, still declaring his deep love for me, but will NOT give me any real time.

    This was very physical in the beginning, but with a few problems which I desperately tried to figure out and understand. We got there in the end, and guess what, he showed his true Narcissitic traits, some times I felt he was actually enjoying hurting me.

    In all of this ( you can imagine the pain I felt) he has kept me there dangling, and only really pulled back at me if he feels I am no longer interested. I have had some really dramatic excuses for his absence, all of them pretty unbelievable, but I have tried to let them pass after studying and trying to understand him.

    I always knew from the start that he was not an honest person, again, I tried to see deeper to find a logic reason.

    I have stayed, waited, hung around, let the excuses go, left him to come back when he feels ready, then I have got very frustrated at his total lack of empathy for my feelings and questioned him only to have him deny his actions, and the cycle begins again.

    What in your opinion is the best way to deal with this? I have tried ignoring him, I can't. I know he needs me and probably confuses this with 'love'

    Reading your post above has made me think differently and put all I have read into a different perspective.

    I have had the usual few days of no contact, and then ' I feel you are getting tired of this, I've been expecting you to say it's over'

    Does this mean he is waiting for me to end it all?

    I am stuck in a vortex with all of this, going round and round with no real relationship, yet he just will not say to me 'it's over for me'

    I don't want to lose him, I want to understand what his fears are and work with them, I would like to at least have some kind of deep friendship with him if he is happy with it, but he just keeps saying, I can't have you for just that! How do I handle it if there is any hope at all. Obviously I don't want to be used as a 'fix' either, and have him there just to ennjoy toying with me.

    What are we supposed to do when we give boundaries but they are ignored and we are left banging our heads against a wall of confusion and hurt,it is nothing short of torture for a non.

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  16. Hi to everyone in here. I have a problem with my boyfriend, which i feel likes the push/pull cycle. He has done it the 3rd time today. He said he was just busy with work and school,and tells me that i dont need him,that i am already done with school and everything. He has been hurt deeply as a child and he said that sometimes,he doesnt care about the stories of people. He would listen to them but remain indifferent. Today he said he wanted space, and says im the most wonderful girl,but he doesnt deserve me. He started to tell me he wanted to remain friends, but with benefits! How horrible! I told him to stand up for his choice,but he asked for time to think about it. 0ne time he said he doesnt wanna let go becoz he feels like hes gonna regret it. He got upset when i told him that we wont talk anymore. He just blasted ''so you really wanted to leave me?'' Then when we ended the call,he asked when we could talk again? He hasnt been diagnosed with it, but i suspect that he is. Im glad to have read this enlightening post... Advice,pls.should i let go,or not? He's so hard to understand.

    God bless to all, and thank you Haven!

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  17. I have a friend of 6 yrs who for the second time has pushed me away.The last time was for 8 months and when he came back around it was like nothing happened. This time, he stopped talking to me a month ago, then 2 weeks ago he blocked me from his facebook page, then last week he called me n said i undermine his relationships, talk behind his back and was not happy i talked to his mom even though i am close to his family and he knows his mom n i talk. about a year ago he told me i was like a second mom and he is always quick to tell me how important i am in his life...but then he pulls this crap. He knows he needs help as he has told me in the past and last week he told his mom he is going to talk to someone. he has a girlfriend of a year that supposedly he is in love with but she also had a crush on him for 3 yrs while he was married(he is getting a divorce now). As of Aug his wife would not sign divorce papers which I feel triggered this latest episode. Anyways, does this sound lie BPD or something similar? Do I leave him alone 100% as he wants?

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  18. Hi,
    I came upon this and it breaks my heart because its exactly what I went thru for five months with a girl I adored. The push pull thing was insane but I kept coming back to her because I wanted to show her that she could trust me. She went balistic on me and said I wasnt in her heart, and that she doesnt trust her ability to pick a man because of an ex that died suddenly. I walked out. Four days later, she texted me and begged me to come back telling me that I trigger her emotions. All she kept telling me is that our intimacy makes her out of control and that she cant handle it. I went back, but the cycle began. I couldnt take it anymore, so after her gaslighting and bullying I told her I couldnt do it. I walked. She texted me asking me why i was doing this and that she was confused. I told her I couldnt accept her abusive behaivor anymore. I never heard from her again. I dont know if she ever loved me, but her statement that rings in my ear is "I dont like being out of control with my feelings. You could do anything thing you wanted to me and I would still want to be with you" I told her, All I want to do is treat you good. I am dead inside because I miss her so much but reading your blog makes me know it would never be. I guess I just wish Iknew if she ever cared. We were doing so great together and then she just beat my heart physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Your thoughts are appreciated....and just some advice to bpd people It takes time to trust, and it somebody is trustworthy, they will take the time necessary if you could just be honest about it. Sabatoging brings the worst out in people. I did my best but every man has his limits and she just wouldnt stop. One week great one week run away. Thanks for your blog. Its helping me. Just wish I knew what I was dealing with.

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  19. PS Was there anything I could have done different? I gave her space, but as soon as we got close again, she would do what you are saying...picking fights, being mean, needing space. I guess I am killing myself inside because I put my foot down to stop the abuse. She always came back, but when I told her I wont stand for it anymore, she was gone. I wish I could reach out to her, but I told her I wouldnt. Does this ever stop?

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  20. Haven,
    You know you are the only one that says sticking with a BPD is not crazy. I appreciate it. Therapist only interested in helping us to move on because the chaos doesn't stop. The chaos may not stop but how we deal with it can change. Thanks for the encouragement.

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  21. - I am kasha i lives in uk and i was in a serious relationship with my ex guy for three good years.. One day we were in a dinner party, we had a little misunderstanding which lead to a Quarrel and he stood up and left me at the dinner party. i try to call him but he was not picking my calls so after than i contacted my brother and told him about it,my brother so much love me that he had to see him on my behalf,he told my brother that it is over between us.. Then i contacted a friend of mine that had this similar experience and she directed me to one of the spiritual diviner (maduraitemple@yahoo.com).at first i thought it was not going to be possible and i contacted him i was ask to come up with a little requirement,so i did what i was ask to do, after 3 days i was in my office when my ex guy called me and was asking me to forgive him and come back to him. i was very surprise it was like a dream to me,so ever since we have been happily married with one kid my lovely baby(Ceslav)...i wish you the best of luck...

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  22. Who the heck are the people here praising withcraft spells for love.withcraft is to be condemned for undermining target's will if no other reason. I have been on receiving side of withcraft and all i can say is... it cannot be love if you must overpower someone at mind to care about you robotically.what s disaster.

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    1. Oh geezus. They're spammers. I try to catch them and delete them but I'm not always fast enough.

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  23. Haven... This article sounds EXACTLY what keeps happening with me and my GF. Just happened today. She's been slowly distancing herself for about a month or so. Then pretty ubruptly (or so it seemed to me) all communications stopped. I sent her a txt and asked for a reply. What I got sounds exactly like things you say here. And a up to 2 months ago (and on/off for YEARS, I've been the love of her life... Talk most days, she wants my company often, etc. now all of a sudden (so it seems), I'm annoying to her (because of how much time we've been spending together. (this happened also about 7 months ago too. BOTH times ironically about the time her answered attempts at contacting with one of her patents SHE hurt occurred! I'm kinda thinking classic transference/projection... "Folks whom I love hate me/ won't talk to me anymore/ abandoned me"... So I'm going to punish the one I love"

    Then when those emotions heal enough, she'll be ready/able to get back to the relationship with me! She said that she simply needs some time and space from me and that when we do resume, need to rethink just how much time we spend together. (AGAIN, she did that EXACT same thing to me those many months ago)

    Oh and of course she won't admit that BPD, BP, or some other emotional "disorder" is at play. She's just expressing what she really needs.

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  24. Just today I realized that I have been sabotaging my marriage for years. Yesterday was a celebration that we both looked forward to, after quite a while of having issues. I woke up and sabotaged the whole day and we both moped around until I went to bed first. I went to the internet and looked up the word relationship sabotage. We've been doing it to each other! Time to revisit my therapist and get to the bottom of this...I think I know where the abandonment fears came from in my childhood. And that's who I'm taking care of...ME, until I get to the bottom of this.

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  25. I have been seeing my boyfriend for two years now we both met in the pub and we both were alcholics. During the first year he became violent and beat me up three times and head butted me and threatended me with a knife. Since the last beating we decided to give upvdrnk and have been sober for over a year and there have been no further incidents. I keep on going over and over in my mind the horrific events and if that will happen again in the future. He wants to marry me and have children with me but I cant trust him yet. Am I doing the push pull thing because of my bpd or am I generally scared. I have just told him I want to split as I cant live with this indisisivness but I feel that I will miss him and his financial help when hes gone. He has helped me through do much however I cant get close is it because of his violent pass or my bpd? Please help I have important decissions to make and make the right ones. I sometimes can want all he iffers and feel really happy but then feel so sad and scared and dont wsnt him in myvlife

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    1. Oh darlin, this is not Push-Pull. This is abuse. You have general cause to be frightened. He's already beat you 3 times, the odds that he will never do it again??? Don't seem good to me. It's very common to still have feelings for someone that abuses you. You probably will miss him... but that doesn't mean you don't deserve to be treated well, it doesn't mean you shouldn't want a life and a relationship without fear. You deserve someone that does not physically abuse you. So even if you do miss him, it doesn't mean it was the wrong decision to leave. When you find someone that treats you well, you'll have your proof.

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  26. It sounds like a phobia because it isn't terribly logical but an extreme fear. but deep down, as any human being you crave love. So you have a phobia of love but also a deep desire for love, and because there is conflict, you bounce back and forth. well, people can get over phobias!

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  27. I have been dia I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder post traumatic stress disorder and borderline personality disorder and I'm currently on disability for it I've struggled so hard with relationships I came across this blog in couldn't believe how unbelievably familiar these previous stories of their ex or current boyfriend girlfriend pushing and pulling them away wanting distance wanting them back...etc I do the same thing and I've actually convinced myself and pride myself on the fact that I can play mind games with people but in all reality I'm so sad and lonely I can't bear it. almost like I don't know how to be sweet I feel all dirty or uncomfortable when I feel things are going well in a relationship.. completely sabotaging everything we've built for absolutely no reason. I know in the back of my mind that they will get tired of that s and I will move on to someone else and repeat the same cycle over and over again. I'm currently with this great guy I really like and don't know how to be close when we start having sex and it feels good I'll stop him. like I'm scared of the possibility of him getting me off because only 1 other has ever done that that I've allowed to go to that level. and I'm so obsessed with the guy and he loves me but I left him. is this making sense? What can I do to reassure myself it's okay to feel. I know getting hurt can't possibly over ride not even feeling at all. I'm so programs to manipulate and hurt em play with other people's heads it's involuntary. I feel like I am a horrible person that doesn't deserve love but at times I feel that I am or were they then all others because I can get a lot of different mental be involved with me and keep them holding on until I get psycho and start with these bipolar symptoms. they think I'm a challenge and I I am worth the battle. I guess it makes them feel special that I'm with them because they see how many other guys want me. in all honesty I got off what may and bad and if I don't have any kind of feelings towards him I can totally please him and fake the entire retain and have him absolutely obsessed with me and I love this I fucking love it. if I have feelings for the man I can't even get past 5 minutes of it feeling good or even maybe if we're kissing and I start to feel an intense feeling I'll pull away I'll make him feel like he's doing something wrong. when really he's doing everything exactly right. ever since I can remember maybe starting at age 6 I have than a riding person off of chaos. Probably bend to the psych ward over 10 maybe 15 different occasions. I swear I'm so delusional I feel bad I don't have this disorder or any disorder that they diagnose me wet I feel that I'm actually tracking them into thinking that I have it and really I'm so confused I don't know if I've talked myself into really having it or if you know that I was born with this? Please give me some advice to help me not sabotage this relationship I know if he has in the past week been over 5 * and each time I have left him Feeling like a complete failure because I stop in the middle of getting intimate in the bedroom. everything turns off words and I feel like well I might as well go ahead and break up with them because it's just too much weird stuff when everything was going right to hours before. am I delusional or do you think I have this disorder. I can tell you I've been with over 400 men in my life and can only remember maybe 5 of the experiences in detail. almost as if my brain is putting a mental block on my ability to feel these senses um reactions are just not capable of you know coming out of Me. please help!!!

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  28. Sorry my spelling was in exactly the greatest on what I was trying to get across. I feel that I don't have this disorder that I've actually been pricing myself on tracking these doctors into thinking I am when really I feel I'm not. I'm on disability for it and um you know sometimes I will withdraw from the world for say 5 or 7 days and I'll expect everything to be fine and be the same it was when I left it and I expect anyone close to me to just understand and deal with it. if not I'll just find another you you're not hard to replace. when really it's all may I have a Taj what they have to offer their qualities that I don't cause ass scare me because I don't know how to give them what they give me or could give me back. it's so sick that I find pleasure in hurting people playing mind games with them and I guess really in my head I don't get pleasure from it but I talk myself into the fact I guess is a coping mechanism into the fact that um there's gotta be some reason I'm doing this so I I don't know. I really can't ruin this relationship how do I stop myself from pulling away when the sexes feeling good. when I'm in bed with a man that I'm not feeling a connection with I can please him and put on the bass performance ever and I can't even get close to that when I feel something for someone. I've actually gone as far as asking this guy to pretend he was a client of mine because I used to do you know I'm not gonna lie I have had men pay all my rents my cars um just take care of me and I've use sex to do it. so in order to not lose what I want to give this guy I try to put it in my head he's just another client so I'm pleasing him but I'm not pleasing myself. and to ask such an absurd thing of him going back to they well I'll just envision you as a client because I'm in barrist I can't even get through 1 minute of a connection because I'm so scared is feeling good. same goes for all other areas of my relationships. I'm sorry for freaking mind warp I don't know how I feel anymore I don't know why I do the things that I do. but at the same time I see how I've done them and I know what I'm doing but I just don't get why do it and I can't stop. please help me be able to feel intimate feelings without being like I've done something that's wrong or isn't is it normal or I don't deserve I don't know. how how how?? When I go to see a psychiatrist and I've seen so many I will have them so confused and not understanding my story line when they ask me questions because in my had things are shadow In N Out of what really did happen or what was I thinking I was making happening so I'm just kind of clustered all Over the place because in my head maybe I was wine at the time but I really did convince myself it was the truth So how have I track my own mental state into not knowing if I'm really being honest or not anymore.. okay I'll stop there I'm going on and on and not making sense again lol. please help me be able to feel without resisting!

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  29. I've spent the whole day sending apologies to those I hurt when drunk the other day. I have never felt such shame, remorse, sadness or regret. It's prob because I'm allowing myself to get close to a group of people. My emotional wall (yes, the result of child abuse & having no one to trust, having to be on my guard for as long as I can remember)is crumbling and it's scary. I was really vicious to my friends, as if the devil had got into me. I really hurt them. I'm 61 now, I want to break the cycle. They have accepted my apologies. I'm not gonna drink again. All this bullying ran in the family: incest, child abuse, alcoholism, suicide, sex addiction. I've made it my life's work to be different. It's really hard but I am determined. I want friends, I want to treat them properly, respect them.

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  30. This description of the push/pull describes how I feel perfectly :( So thank you for that. I'm wondering if I'm doing it at the moment. Basically i met a guy in October and we dated for a while then went to being friends as thats all he wanted at that time. Anyway last week we were out and he dropped the bombshell that he's "completely in love with me" and has "never felt like this about anyone before." He also asked me to be his girlfriend. Having felt the same about him the whole time i said yes and he has been amazingly attentive ever since. I love this guy to pieces. He's the nicest guy I have ever known. He's the most interesting and funny, not to mention hot. So I should feel nothing but joy at the moment. However, all i feel is suspicion. why did he suddenly feel this? does he even want this? does he just pity me? And tonight talking on the phone I asked him if he was staying over on Saturday after plans we have together. He said he didn't know. And now suddenly I want to tell him to piss off since then. I have issues with uncertainty which I'm sure you're all aware is common with BPD. I have been in therapy for BPD for the past year and this is my first relationship since and my mentalisation based therapy is on a break for Easter so I have nowhere to talk about this and am scared I'm going to push away the best person to ever happen to me. I know it's completely irrational to feel so annoyed just because he said he didn't know yet whether he was staying over but I am just dying to text him and break up. Thankfully I do have a bit more impulse control than I used to.

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  31. Hi, I'm a female and I've never been in a relationship not because I don't believe in it or love. It's just that I've never thought about it because I've been busy raising my siblings and taking care of my family. Family and friends mean a lot to me their first. Im starting to look after myself and do things for me(im working on it lol) I had no idea I would fall for someone especially an other female. We're good friends we understand each other and know how we feel before hand. I can't believe it but I told her how I feel and she feels that I can't seem to be able to open up to her but I feel like im trying she knows I like her when no one else knows that I do. I really care about her are her happiness my gut feelings tell me she cares too but she's stopping herself I don't know why. I try talking to her but she avoids it. What should I do?

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  32. Oh. My. Freaking. God. I have never heard anyone describe what I do in relationships *so perfectly*. I have BPD and it's so awesome to hear it described from the borderline's point of view in a compassionate way vs. from the "victim's" point of view. I'm excited to read the rest of your blog! Judging from all the comments, there are a lot of us out there. Thanks for providing a safe place for us when there is so much out there on the internet basically saying that we're evil, hopeless, and will never recover. I say, bullshit.

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  33. OK, this is what is happening with my co-worker. She wants to be friends, but she back-stabs and sabotages me (tries, everybody is on to her.) There will be a fight, then she will be uber friendly to the point of ridiculousness, apologizing constantly for nothing, that will pass, she'll be sort of normal, and can be very high functioning, then eventually, she'll start abusing me again, the cycle repeats. I caught in one of your posts, "major psychological disorder." Oh. I thought that might be the case. But she's also been isolating more and more the last couple years. Stopped going to church, has only one friend who keeps contact with her on purpose. My new manager has better communication skills, and is on top of this situation, but we're not sure what to do with, around, about her. The manager calls her on bad behavior whenever she sees it, and keeps on doing that. I will too, depending on the situation at work. But I'm at a stand.

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  34. I been with this girl for almost 5years, we both suffer from borderline, together we can have so much fun we do /did everything, we spend almost everyday together, even talks last almost like forever, it would be perfect IF.. one of us didnt freak out all the time, even about small stuffs getting into a fight, and yes the pushing and pulling is horrible, at some point( mostly after 7-8 months) one of us always starts to distance totally, mostly she distances herself slowly from me, then i become even more clingy cause Im scared to lose her, i almost beg her not to leave me, while she gets more annoyed and even tells me to give her space, I try hard but I cant. at somepoint I start to push her away tho and we insult each ohter like little kids, the final result is , we block each ohter everywhere, facebook/phone etc etc, 2-4 months later we talk again like nothing happend and then everything redos, 7-8 months all okay, if we put the smaller fights a side, and then the silence returns for months, sometimes I hate her, and the nextday i cant without her, rightnow we have no contact again, for the 5th time? or more.. I dont know anymore, its so painful, and tiring. I know she misses me too, over our friends i heard that in the past already, sometimes Im scared she never talks to me again, but at the ohter side Its maybe better for both of us, I dont know.

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    1. That sounds exactly like my ex GF I was the one that always broke up with her because I couldn't take the mood swings. She accused me of every thing under the sun, simply not answering a text would send her into a crying fit, even if I didn't answer the text because I was calling her on the phone. Things could be perfect and she would come out of my room with all of her stuff because I hadn't checked on her in the shower. Multiply those things by a thousand and that was us. I really loved her and we could have the best until something set her off. I finally decided she felt more comfortable in some sort of fight. Our relationship continued to go down hill even though I still love her, I just couldn't live with the constant turmoil. I guess it's ironic because she claimed she loved me and wanted to get married, but when life was nice and calm and I started thinking we could be married she would start a fight.

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  35. I'm really curious about people who get close, but then push away and leave it like that. I've done it for years. But, I've done things impulsively too that make things happen way too fast - then I become overwhelmed when it really sets in. For example, many many years ago I worked with a man briefly. We moved to diff. countries and we reconnected online. He flew to my country and I even had a 1 yr old baby with me in tow - and we traveled by plane to meet him on an island in the south of the country I lived in (sorry I just dont want to give all the details). He is genuinely a wonderful man. But both of us meeting up like that - after only briefly meeting once prior - is a little nuts thinking back (esp for me, with a child). We ended up having an amazing wonderful time - and we slept together. Maybe I felt he was too clingy after many days passed and I was returning to my city and he wanted to fly up there with me too. I honestly cannot remember. The weird thing now is that I don't remember this - but he told me recently that I had asked him to leave. :( Thinking back, I feel really bad and surprised I cannot remember doing that. It's true we jumped in too quickly - way too fast with everything - but even so, he is someone I could have had something with. We're still in contact now. I apologized years later. Either way, since then, I've had a habit of dating and really going too fast - I guess I let them in too fast and really am caring with them and we get close (and I dont necessarily mean physical) so fast - then they usually become clingly and text or call repeatedly and I am doNE! I can't handle the repeated texts - it makes me so anxious. I end it and walk away. I dont ask for another chance ever. The only situation where I would want another chance is with the person from the first part of my post...does it sound like I have BPD? :) I had a rough childhood - too much to get into - always took care of myself and wasn't taken care of. Even so, I have had a really successful life and appreciate each day. The area I am really lacking in is in relationships. I dont want to be a bad example to my son. I am a big loner nowadays and rarely date - when I do, usually a disaster.

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  36. I read this article last year and my jaw dropped. I read it again just now and my jaw still drops. The woman I had been seeing off and on... It so perfectly describes her that I thought our experiences together had somehow been infiltrated and documented. This beautiful woman could be open with me on Wednesday evening and by Thursday morning I'd have an apology for her behavior and that our intimacy and talk was just that. She'd ask for space, I would give it, then be chastised for not being close enough for her. We would share intimacy and talk for hours. Then I would be shunned for a week without much explanation. It became me vs her. She would say one thing and do the exact opposite. I mistakenly smothered her with goodwill, not knowing that this the exact thing BPDs don't want. The exact thing that makes them push away. In the end, I adored this woman at times. Other times I get so tense just thinking about our dynamic, I freeze. She finally cut me off and burned the bridge with me. 26 years of friendship down the drain. It was like being with Jekyll and Hyde. I was pushed and pulled so much I got whiplash. I feel so bad for her.

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  37. My boyfriemd, well current ex, has BPD. he has already broken up with me this year and then taken me back. last time he broke up with me he went on a rampage of chatting up 15/16 year olds and hanging out with them. hes 24. id text him each day begging for him back. and hed ignore me. then i decided to vanish for a few days, have no contact etc and that freaked him out and he eventually asked for me back.
    this time, the same thing has happened again. he spent $3000 on us just days before he dumped me. and is back in to chatting these 15/16 year olds again. this time im barely texting him but we see each other nearly eery day cos we work together this time. so i cant exactly vanish and make him freak out.
    im holding on hope that hell come back again but its so damn hard. I know for certain he still loves em etc as he told me so himself, but hes just being arrogant and wont take me back. yet, i hope. but the thing is, if he was definitely serious about us breaking up, surely he wouldve asked for my car to be out of his name? he wouldve asked for his $400 suit back that i took and is sitting in my car. and he wouldve removed all our lovey dovey letters/notes thats around our room. but he hasnt?!

    i love him so much and wont give up. me and him are meant to be. honestly, were perfect for each other. ive supported him thru so much. no one knows what hes actually like apart from me. no one knows what hes like when he hits rockbottom etc etc. he has a bad habit of telling his mum EVERYTHING and feeding her bullcrap which makes her think im the bad guy and she tells him what to do ang hell listen. unfortunately. but not even she knows what hes truly like.

    he had been on wrong medication also and took an illegal drug which both ended up making him faint all the time. i ended up supporting him literally off my bare any money and look after him until he got better. but when i found out about this drug use i started packing my things and went to leave. he begged me to stay so i did as long as he stopped the drugs which he did. i then supported him thru this stuff, and overall ended up being stressed out about his health etc. beign stressed didt hel[ but as soon as he got better we began to get back on track, which is where he bought me a $700 necklace and the total of $3000 got spent, and then i was dumped.

    i just dont know what to do. i love him thst much and accept him for how he is. ill do anything for him. and i know he loves me too. were meant to be. but i just need to know what should i do? should i ignore him and do 'absence makes the heart grow fonder'? do i hold on to hope?
    PLEASE HELP, I MISS HIM SO MUCH

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  38. What are some healthy way to stop a cycle of this when you recognize it? Are there any known tell tale signs of whether the dynamic is being brought on by both parties, just ones self, or the other person? Any experience on conversations that would draw such a cycle out into awareness, and allow a healthy dialogue that is not reenacting the push pull dynamic to find out if it is healthy to try to continue when you notice this pattern?

    ReplyDelete
  39. My ex-boyfriend dumped me 9 months ago after I accused him of seeing someone else and insulting him.I want him back in my life but he refuse to have any contact with me.I was so confuse and don't know what to do,so I reach to the internet for help and I saw a testimony of how a spell caster help them to get their ex back so I contact the spell caster and explain my problem to him and he cast a spell for me and assure me of 3days that my ex will return to me and to my greatest surprise the third day my ex came knocking on my door and beg for forgiveness.I am so happy that my love is back again and not only that,we are about to get married.once again thank you Kala spell.you are truly talented and gifted Email: kalalovespell@gmail.com is the only answer.he can be of great help and I will not stop publishing him because he is a wonderful man kalalovespell@gmail.com

    ReplyDelete
  40. My ex-boyfriend dumped me 9 months ago after I accused him of seeing someone else and insulting him.I want him back in my life but he refuse to have any contact with me.I was so confuse and don't know what to do,so I reach to the internet for help and I saw a testimony of how a spell caster help them to get their ex back so I contact the spell caster and explain my problem to him and he cast a spell for me and assure me of 3days that my ex will return to me and to my greatest surprise the third day my ex came knocking on my door and beg for forgiveness.I am so happy that my love is back again and not only that,we are about to get married.once again thank you Kala spell.you are truly talented and gifted Email: kalalovespell@gmail.com is the only answer.he can be of great help and I will not stop publishing him because he is a wonderful man kalalovespell@gmail.com

    ReplyDelete
  41. My ex-boyfriend dumped me 9 months ago after I accused him of seeing someone else and insulting him.I want him back in my life but he refuse to have any contact with me.I was so confuse and don't know what to do,so I reach to the internet for help and I saw a testimony of how a spell caster help them to get their ex back so I contact the spell caster and explain my problem to him and he cast a spell for me and assure me of 3days that my ex will return to me and to my greatest surprise the third day my ex came knocking on my door and beg for forgiveness.I am so happy that my love is back again and not only that,we are about to get married.once again thank you Kala spell.you are truly talented and gifted Email: kalalovespell@gmail.com is the only answer.he can be of great help and I will not stop publishing him because he is a wonderful man kalalovespell@gmail.com

    ReplyDelete
  42. Just went through this again last night. I'm the "non". I just went away to Europe cos something was wrong with me but I didn't know what. I loved my BPD, even proposed to her last september and she accepted, but after so much turbulence, make ups break ups I just began fantasizing about "normalcy" and that's very unlike me.
    Of course I go to Europe, get the impulsive dear john letter a few days in and began my road to introspection. Her mom had Borderline disorder so I decided to look it up. Sure enough it fit like a glove. So I did exhaustive research, joined a yahoo support group, and even managed to get a copy of an instant message convo that actually showed the shift from love to hatred and accusations of abuse.
    I looked at this to remind myself of reality. I had suffered through gas lighting and crazy making and push pull.
    It happened again recently. She reached out via Facebook very pleasantly, even wrote a public thank you and admission of love to me for introducing her to such great people. She said her eyes had been "opened" after doing continued shamanic work (not for BPD, she refuses she has that or anything) so I bit. Called her up she sounded rational I got showered with I love yous and concern for my feelings. Then there was a second call. Went well. Wanted me to call back again and I did and I got more I love yous.
    About 20mins in she accused me of not caring whether she lived or died. Said cos I am still friends with a few close friends who do not like her demonstrates. I need to drop them. I'm a socipath, weak, evil, garbage, I never liked you I was just being nice to you cos I know you need help, etc...
    Then this morning she is a bit more balanced but I am finally calling her on her shit.
    Sucks cos I love her so it's easy to be drawn back in. I know even if I did drop those friends (whose crime was pointing things about her that I had to go overseas to see and telling me not to run to her beck and call after she needed emotional support following her breaking up with me) that she would find something else to test me on. And why drop people when I can't trust her emotions?
    Think the push pull will continue or you think this might be the final straw? I'm an addict for her so I am trying so hard to rally against my heart and try to move on. But it's a brutal process.

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  43. my name is Amber and I recently had a breakup with my husband about 3months back. He said we are done that we should move on that he has someone else now. I could not even bear the pain and everything and just so unfortunate, I discovered I was pregnant when me and my ex we going through some big fights. I couldn't tell him I was pregnant because I knew he would blame it on me. I suffered with the secret on my own and I could not go through an abortion on my own. The funny thing is I discovered that he had two other girlfriends I was not aware of. I know if I could turn back the hands of time I would do it again because i could not suffer everything alone, I almost drop out of varsity because of a guy. On a faithful day after i lost of thought, an old friend told me about a spell Dr obas with this email obasspiritualtemple@gmail.com who could help me restore my love and have my baby in good terms. I sacrifice everything to make sure the spell was done. and the spell was now the savior. his spell brought back my lover after 2days. My joy, love and happiness is restored because of this spell Dr obas, my baby comes soon.

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  44. My friends out there, am Justina from usa, am short of words i dont know where to start from, am just happy for getting back my love who left me for good 2years without calling or texting, i was in love with this boy named Patrick, we live together in love but suddenly he just changed and was in bad terms with me i know i never did anything wrong to him but he just decided to quite with me and the most painful part was that he was the one who broke my virginity so i love him so much but he never understood the love i have for him, so that was how he move away from New york, to San jose ca, and he never called me or texted for good 2years, his thought always come to my mind every minutes, so i have been looking for how to get him back to my life,so i have been contacting some spell casters happens to be scams, so i decided not to contact any spell caster,so there was a day i went to go and buy some papers, because am a reading type, so that was how i turned to a page and i saw testimony of love so i decided to read it then i saw how a man named Hudson was helped by Dr jaja in getting back his love,and i read that he also said it in radio stations,so i decided to wait if i will hear the testimony on radio too, so 2 days later i was watching television when i saw a man named harry was giving testimony on how this same Dr jaja brought back his wife and 2kids, i was so surprised then i had no doubt, immediately i contacted Dr jaja and i told him what i want he to me not to worry that he my love will come back to me within 24hours, i did not doubt him cause i have seen prove, so in the next 24hours which he said i got a call from Patrick he was pleading and begging me to forgive him, so the next day he came to my house in New york, in the presence of my 2 sisters he went on his knees pleading for me to forgive him, so i had to, then he said we should move to San jose ca, to stay, am writing this testimony in San jose ca,and am pregnant for him,and he bought me a new car and am happy now,you can contact Dr jaja through moonspelltemple@gmail.com

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  45. Hi Haven,

    Thank you so much for this post. It was enlightening to hear your insights on the push/pull cycle.

    I just walked away from my current relationship because I couldn't deal with the pain of being pushing away any more.

    However, is the pushing away a result of a personality disorder, or did he just not want to be in the relationship?

    In the beginning it was very intense. He was asking me to marry him, he went ring shopping, told me what a good life we were going to have.

    I was skeptical, of course, but he was the man of my dreams. I let the walls down and I fell in love....for the first time ever in 30 years.

    However, 3 months into dating, I noticed he wasn't himself. His communication became more sparse. It was even more difficult that he traveled for work 4 days a week. I thought I was internalizing it at first, but as the days went along, I found he moved farther and farther away.

    When I confronted him about his behavior he said he was "dealing with stuff' and 'didn't want to talk' and let him handle it his way.

    That stuff, I later found out, had a lot to do with his upbringing, and feeling like a failure (his first marriage dissolved i believe due to the same issue)

    But it continued.

    He recognized his behavior was hurting me and it 'killed him'. Yet he did nothing about it.

    When I did tell him I was walking away (in a very long email) he told me he was an asshole, and suicidal. Quite a short response to my email....and quite a selfish answer in response to how much he hurt me.

    Does borderline pair with depression? Or was it not borderline and just depression? Or was it just a put off because he just didn't want to be with me and have the balls to break up with me?

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  46. I am Bailey, i want to share testimony of my life to every one. i was married to my husband four years ago, i love him so much. When he went for a vacation to France he meant a lady who made my marriage a problem, he told me that he is no longer interested in our marriage any more that he want to divorce me. I was so confuse and seeking for help and i want to a life coach who did not to my problem, i don't know what to do until i explain to my friend and she told me not to worry about it that she had a similar problem before and introduce me to a man called Dr Ijebu who cast a spell on her ex and bring him back to her after 2days. She gave me an email address to contact Dr ijebu and ask him for help. I contacted him to help me bring back my husband and he told me not to worry about anything that the gods of his fore-fathers will bring him back to me. He told me by two days he will re-unite me and my husband together. After two day my husband called and told me he is coming back to stay with me and the kids, i was surprise when i saw him and he started pleading for forgiveness. I am happy to have my husband back with me again, you can contact Dr Ijebu for any problem you are facing, he will help you out. Here's his contact ancientijebudespelltemple@gmail.com. He is the real spell caster on the internet so far

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  47. Hello My Name is Charly KOnteripen and i am from indonesia , I wish to share my testimonies with the general public about what this man called Dr Ogba of:ogbapaullovespellcaster@gmail.com,for what he has just done for me , this man has just brought back my lost family to me with his great spell caster, i was married to this Man called Richard Brown we were together for a long time and we loved our self's but when i was unable to give him a child for 2 years he left me and told me he can't continue anymore then i was now looking for ways to get him back until a friend of mine told me about this man and gave his contact email: ogbapaullovespellcaster@gmail.com then you wont believe this when i contacted this man on my problems he prepared this spell cast and bring my lost Husband back in two days and after a month i miss my month and go for a test and the result stated am pregnant am happy today am a Mother with a baby boy, thank you once again the great Dr Ogba for what you have done for me, if you are out there passing through this same kind of problems of you need a lost love back or any kind of problems for you can contact he today on his email: ogbapaullovespellcaster@gmail.com and he will also help you as well

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  48. How do you know or suspect whether the person you are with does not just have an avoidant attachment style instead of some personality disorder? See here for signs of an avoidant:

    http://aloftyexistence.wordpress.com/2011/03/02/top-ten-signs-your-partner-is-avoidant/

    Say that avoidant persons partner has an anxious attachment style or at least is to anxious for a particular avoidant then an avoidant-anxious trap is formed:

    http://aloftyexistence.wordpress.com/2011/02/09/anxious-avoidant-trap/

    This looks like what you are describing here but there is no suggestion of a personality disorder.

    My understanding is that personality disorders are very difficult to diagnose and treat. But for people with insecure attachment styles (avoidant and anxious), 25% of them will change within 4 years by having the right relationships (with secures). These numbers go up with counseling and therapy.

    Now it maybe that the majority of these insecures that change are anxious since avoidants are the much more problematic of these two types ... at least that is the impression I get from reading the book "Attached."

    Any insights would be appreciated. Thanks.

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    1. I've written quite a lot on Attachment Disorders and Attachment Styles actually.

      4 years is still a long time, and with therapy and medication is a similar treatment time for even many cases of BPD and some personality disorders. They're not as difficult to diagnose and treat as you would imagine. Not anymore anyways. Treatment has come a long ways.

      Most people with personality disorders also have anxious or avoidance attachment disorders/styles as well, though people with anxious or avoidant attachment disorders/styles don't necessarily have a personality disorder. That doesn't mean they'll have an easier or harder time recovering either. It's entirely dependent on the person and the kind of help they're able and willing to receive.

      Go over to the Left and Look in the list of Labels for Attachment and Attachment Disorder and you'll see what I've written there.

      Delete
  49. Thanks for your fantastic blog, Haven. I came across it a few days ago and I simply couldn't stop reading it. I'm from Europe and have been deeply in love with a BPD woman I already knew for a long time (i'm 53 and she's 48). During the last few months (when we became closer) I'm getting used to most of her BP issues. I've done a lot of research about the subject, talked with some shrinks who happen to be my friends (i went to Medical School, so almost a doctor) but their technical advice (and most of the web pages which discuss these matters) don't allow me to really feel the same kind of truth and the deep knowledge you really have about this condition - and particularly the vivid experiences and the clever and wise thoughts you share with your readers. By the way, you write very well and it's been a pleasure to read each one of your posts.
    I'm trying to cope with my BPD sort-of-girlfriend, trying to understand her ups and downs, pull / push cycles, and only the future will tell how the relationship evolves. She's high-functioning, quite successfull (a celebrity in my country), and she must hide all the time from people. Only their closest friends and family know about all the pain and suffering she has gone through since her childhood.
    I was married for 13 years and had other relationships, but when I look back and compare them with this woman, well... I must confess that, in spite of what I recently have been through, all those girls now seem to me so dull and boaring...
    She's very fond of me and she likes me a lot, but not in the same way I do love her...
    Tell me: how can I build some more trust? What can I do to make her believe I am commited? Every time I show my will to care about her or to protect her, she apparently moves away a bit. It seems she's always afraid of losing herself, you know? But for me it's not easy to play "hard to get" or to act cold - I just can't help being nice to her.
    Anyway, she texts me a lot and, in fact, when I read many of your posts in this blog it seems I'm reading her messages in my cellphone ;)
    Thanks again for your enlightening blog.

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    1. From my experience trust comes with time. The trick really is that to build trust without breaking it; Don't lie, don't cheat, don't betray. Once you do any of these things - All things will be called into question and all things will begin to crumble. Work on your communication and your trust from the start and your entire relationship will benefit from the onset. The moment you stray, don't fool yourself, she will be able to yell because we are exceptionally perceptive.

      Anyone with BPD has had a very traumatic history. We do not build trust easily. It's unfortunate but if you push too hard, it's scary for us, and we push away. You have to allow trust to build in it's own time, as it will. Simply remain. Remain constant and consistent. Be a constant presence in her life. If this is someone that you want in your life forever than act as though they are someone that will never be out of your mind and reassure them of that. If it's to be for all time, then you have all of time.

      It should not be about acting "hard to get" or acting cold. I don't know any Borderline that likes that. Be yourself. Because frankly if she does not like you for you, than that will also tell you something of what you need to know.

      Delete
  50. I've been in two of these now and it also helped me discover and deal with my own codependency. In response to 'Tanker', you have to understand that bpds require large amounts of stimulation to 'feel alive' due to cutting themselves off from darker feelings since a young age. Trust will come with time and a lot of hassle but the relationship you maybe crave maybe won't ever happen.

    What I've finally learned is that true intimacy and reciprocation of love would take a long time and the destructive behaviours of my recent ex make me doubt I'll last the distance. So for any 'non'. You simply have a decision on whether you want to deal with this anymore. If the prize is worth the price?

    I can relate to the comments above regarding text anxiety because my exes push/pull or sabotaging triggered my own feelings of abandonment that I had to resolve from codependency. Towards the end of that relationship, the anxiety and panic I felt on a couple of occasions when she was distancing was horrible and to consider it from the bpd perspective who can be prone to paranoia, delusions, hypersensitivity it is understandable why they push and devalue things.

    Your real hope in a bpd relationship is to ensure you are not codependent/clingy and not expect consistent reciprocation because once they feel smothered, they run (even though they will complain that you don't give enough attention :) Paradoxical but just how it is.


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  51. So would the push and pull be related to to seeking out another relationship while still in one? Just curious, I think the guy I was seeking might be BPD, for the last year we go through this thing where he attempts to start up online relationships, creates new email accounts so he can do the online thing. He has a primary yahoo and facebook and part of our agreement was to give each others passwords. Well he will clean out trash, so I won't find the trail but forgets to delete the sent. So I always catch him LOL...anyway. We go thru this apology thing..how sorry he is and he was felling mentally not right??? Anxiety, etc and that is why he does it. Then he begs for forgiveness and tells me he would die if I left him..Whatever getting old now. Any way is it attention or the drama or what?? Any input would help because I told him I can't do it anymore. If its a game and he just like the "forgiveness" and there is no actual sex involved; maybe I could handle his little staged online love affairs. But if he is engaging in unprotected sex...that's different. Let me know your thoughts and thanks

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  52. This push/pull behavior is constant in my relationship with her. The only part I really have a problem with is that when I "return", she ignores me and makes me feel unimportant and she will immerse herself in other people and projects. So then I get upset because it feels so unfulfilling and lonely, and so I push her away again and then she chases me frantically. Once she has me back after a while she will ignore texts/ emails and just plain not seem interested. It seems as if she is only interested in the dramatics of the cycle. I'm so tired. I just want to move on, but I do care for her. Why might she be doing this? I would love to understand what is going on.

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    1. Sad to see this useful thread has been taken over by cretinous spam.

      Delete
  53. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  54. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  55. hey Jean, i really like your comment about Dr.Kwale on how he fix your broken marriage and make your husband to be all yours, and i am here also to keep assuring others that Dr.Kwale can also help them get their lover back just as he has brought my ex lover and your husband back. i will also advice everyone looking for help on how to get there ex lover back to contact this grate Dr.Kwale, he will help you within 2days and make your lover to come back to you. Here is Dr.Kwale email address kwaletemple@gmail.com or you can call him via his mobile number +2348056141089, just contact him to confirm my word.

    Jacqueline

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  56. I will love to share my testimony to all the people in the forum cos i never thought i will have my girlfriend back and she means so much to me..The girl i want to get marry to left me 4 weeks to our wedding for another man..,When i called her she never picked my calls,She deleted me on her facebook and she changed her facebook status from married to Single...when i went to her to her place of work she told her boss she never want to see me..I lost my job as a result of this cos i cant get myself anymore,my life was upside down and everything did not go smooth with my life...I tried all i could do to have her back to all did not work out until i met a Man when i Travel to Africa to execute some business have been developing some years back..I told him my problem and all have passed through in getting her back and how i lost my job...he told me he gonna help me...i don't believe that in the first place.but he swore he will help me out and he told me the reason why my girlfriend left me and also told me some hidden secrets.i was amazed when i heard that from him..he said he will cast a spell for me and i will see the results in the next couple of days..then i travel back to US the following day and i called him when i got home and he said he's busy casting those spells and he has bought all the materials needed for the spells,he said am gonna see positive results in the next 2 days that is Thursday...My girlfriend called me at exactly 12:35pm on Thursday and apologies for all she had done ..she said,she never knew what she's doing and her sudden behavior was not intentional and she promised not to do that again.it was like am dreaming when i heard that from her and when we ended the call,i called the man and told him my wife called and he said i haven't seen anything yet... he said i will also get my job back in 3 days time..and when its Sunday,they called me at my place of work that i should resume working on Monday and they gonna compensate me for the time limit have spent at home without working..My life is back into shape,i have my girlfriend back and we are happily married now with kids and i have my job back too.This man is really powerful..if we have up to 20 people like him in the world,the world would have been a better place..he has also helped many of my friends to solve many problems and they are all happy now..Am posting this to the forum for anybody that is interested in meeting the man for help.you can mail him to agumaguspelltemple@gmail.com I cant give out his number cos he told me he don't want to be disturbed by many people across the world..he said his email is okay and he' will replied to any emails asap..hope he helped u out too..good luck:agumaguspelltemple@gmail.com.ONCE AGAIN HIS EMAIL ADDRESS IS: agumaguspelltemple@gmail.com




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  57. Since my last boyfriend I have felt so lonely. You know that as I explained that thoroughly in my first email to you. I wished for my heart to be filled with love and happiness and you did that! I have met the perfect guy and I am to be promoted tomorrow at work! It seems that the gods are smiling at me and you are the reason why. I will be your faithful follower for ever. Ancientfathersandmothers@gmail.com

    ReplyDelete
  58. My name's Tony Almeida, I'm from Brazil and have lived some years in the UK. My story has come up with this sad episode. Last December, 2013, my lover decided to visit her grandmom earlier for Christmas, even without my knowing. The worst! We has already planned to spend the Christmas' Day at the beach as we had always done, which had always been something she always asked me to. Well, for Christmas, I even called her on the cell-phone over and over to wish her Merry Christmas, but she didn't answer it.
    Then, I keep calling every day and the same thing went on and on. She spent 2 months at her grandmom's, and when she returned, I called her mom and I was told my lover didn't want to come back to me, which was a shock, it seemed the whole world had come down on me. I came to be hospitalized for me relationship with my love was so perfect that since her mom and I got divorced she wanted to just stay with me. I took her everywhere I went on trips, parks, theaters, movies, and from nothing she just turned her back on me. I got to talk to her some 20 days ago and we talked some, but she was so resisting that we had to hang up. So far, I haven't called her, because her mom said she is depressed. I really don't know how to behave in this situation. I've been in pain. God knows how much it has hurt me and i have no option until i contacted Dr. Ikhine powerful spell caster who brought her back to me within 72hours contact him on agbadado@gmail.com for help just as he has did for me

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  59. My and ex and I were together for 14 months and we have lived together our entire relations. A month ago he broke up with me because he felt his better off alone and wants to be single. That’s what he told me anyways. I spent two weeks avoiding him by staying busy with friends and family and staying with people. He was miserable he didn't eat, sleep or do anything besides lay on the couch. I came home and the house was a mess because he didn't do anything...
    When I got home we had a talk about making it work by being friends as we live together and none of us can leave. Ever since the talk we have become really close, we flirt, laugh, playfully tease each other, we curl up on the couch and watch tv together and play the xbox together, We cook together and back to our usual selves. He has now moved himself back into my bedroom and sleeps in the same bed with me. He still calls me babe and sweetie and gives me hugs if I want one. We are really good friends. He said its ok for me to date or sleep with someone else as long as im honest with him. However recently we went out and I flirted with a few guys and out of nowhere he picked a fight with me and started to say that I wanted him back and using our mutual friends as an excuses saying he heard it from them and that I was bad mouthing him, Which isn't true. I got really upset and he walked away and I went and stayed at friends and didn't hear from him all night, in the morning he texted me asking where I was, if im coming home, was persistent in picking me up and said he wants us to be good again. I came home and he was back to normal and made sure I was ok. We are closer then ever and when I leave, his miserable, his friend keeps asking him if he made the right decision and brings us up and he just says its work and then goes quiet, or changes the subject. If I bring up the relationship he just goes quiet. He talks about me in his future. until i contacted Dr. Ikhine the spell caster who put our relationship in good shape and we are happily married now contact him on agbadado@gmail.com for your good relationship to be together.

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  60. Hi everyone,I have just read all of the posts and I am in tears! My life for the past 10 yrs has been,I dont know how to put it, I guess loney and loveless. Im 26 I ve been with my fiance for 10 yrs and we have 2 sons. Our oldest 7 has AS too and my youngest 3 has autism. I feel so lonely in my family, none of them understand me at all and dont try. I feel like ive lost myself. I is much harder to deal with my Fiance then my kids of course, because I shouldnt have to parent him. I dont want to parent 3 people, I want love. He doesnt even feel love I dont think! Im very sad thinking that I am putting my self in this postion, to never put myself 1st or get anything I need or want it life. My family nor his gets it and they say that because he works and takes care of his family with money I should be happy enough. I wish there were groups where iI live but I havent found and yet. Im very happy to find other people out there dealing with this, because living life like this is very lonely. I would love to start talking with some of you,all things happen because great Iseh James was very great to me,after he help me getting back my man every thing have be working fine.Please you can contact he for help so you can be happy in your relationship.Email him at; Olorunoduduwaspiritualtemple@gmail.com

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  61. I just want to say thank you, thank you, thank you!!! Harry and I have worked things out, and we are moving in together in May. I am so happy and excited, and so grateful to you. The funny thing is, I've also changed my way of thinking and doing as well.... I understand that the way he loves is different from mine, and thats ok. I havent been this happy or content in a very long time, and it shines on my face so much everyone notices. I will definitely enlist your services again, and recommend you to anyone that will listen. Thank you very much, you have done something wonderful for me, and I will never forget it. From my heart, Ancientfathersandmothers@gmail.com you are the best of all.

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  62. My ex-boyfriend dumped me 5 weeks ago after I accused him of seeing someone else and insulting him. I wanted him back in my life but he refused to have any contact with me. So after researching around I found this site and contacted priestoremisolutiontemple367@gmail.com. When I had my reading done, I was nervous and scared. I thought he said he wouldn’t be able to help me. But in the end, he told me he could help me to bring him back. I was expecting to have to spend a lot of money because I saw his prices are expensive. So I was really really surprised when he told me all I had to do was to have two candles burned to bring him back. I ordered the candles that priestoremisolutiontemple367@gmail.com burns and had him do my candles. He sent me a prayer to say everyday and I did what he told me to do. Two and a half weeks after the last candle finished, my ex was calling me again and came over. He slept over that night and in the morning he asked if we could work it out and get back together, to which I said yes of course! And we have been back together ever since. Thank you priestoremisolutiontemple367@gmail.com, your Lwa and your Spirits, you are of great help in the community and I think you are the best. I will be back again to have you help me on a situation at my job. priest oremi is really a wonderful, nice, kind and caring person. He really cares about his clients and I would recommend him to any and all who need spiritual help.

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  63. My ex-boyfriend dumped me 5 weeks ago after I accused him of seeing someone else and insulting him. I wanted him back in my life but he refused to have any contact with me. So after researching around I found this site and contacted priestoremisolutiontemple367@gmail.com. When I had my reading done, I was nervous and scared. I thought he said he wouldn’t be able to help me. But in the end, he told me he could help me to bring him back. I was expecting to have to spend a lot of money because I saw his prices are expensive. So I was really really surprised when he told me all I had to do was to have two candles burned to bring him back. I ordered the candles that priestoremisolutiontemple367@gmail.com burns and had him do my candles. He sent me a prayer to say everyday and I did what he told me to do. Two and a half weeks after the last candle finished, my ex was calling me again and came over. He slept over that night and in the morning he asked if we could work it out and get back together, to which I said yes of course! And we have been back together ever since. Thank you priestoremisolutiontemple367@gmail.com, your Lwa and your Spirits, you are of great help in the community and I think you are the best. I will be back again to have you help me on a situation at my job. priest oremi is really a wonderful, nice, kind and caring person. He really cares about his clients and I would recommend him to any and all who need spiritual help.

    ReplyDelete
  64. My name is Andrea Ramsay from USA My boyfriend and I were happy as far as I could tell and I never thought that we would break up. When his cousin died in a tragic car accident he went back to Philippine for a week to be with his family. I could not go because I was in the middle of entertaining out of town clients for work. He did not seem to be upset that I could not go so I let him be. The next thing that I know, he reconnected with an old friend from high school that he had a crush on years ago and they started to have an affair! I had no clue what was going on until a month after he came back from Philippine.He proceeded to see both her and I until I caught him testing her one night. I confronted him and he told me the truth about what happened. We broke up and went our separate ways. Neither of us fought for our relationship. I was angry and decided not to be upset about it and just keep it moving. Then after about a month of not speaking to him I became sad. I wanted him to tell me that he wanted to be with me and not her. I contacted Dr.omofuma for a love spell and he totally helped me! he was able to get him to miss me to where he wanted to get back together again. He had a lot of regrets and felt bad for not fighting to keep me and for cheating in general. He values our relationship so much more now and we are together now! You can also get your lover back with the help of Dr.omofumacontact him through his email: extremlovespell5@yahoo.com

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  65. 'I was married for five years without any child,because of this my husband start acting very strange at home,coming home lately and not spending time with me any more. and because of this my husband divorce me. So i became very sad and lost in life because my doctor told me there is no way for me to get pregnant this really make life so hard for me and my family.my friend told me about Dr Zuma zuk from the Internet,how he has helped people with this similar problem that i am going through so i contacted him and explain to him.he cast a reunite spell to bring back my husband and it was a miracle three days later my husband can back to apologize for all he has done and told me he is fully ready to support me in any thing i want,few month later i got pregnant and gave birth to twins (girls) we are happy with ourselves. Thanks to Dr Zuma zuk for saving my relationship and for also saving others too. continue your good work, If you are interested to contact him and testify this blessings like me, the great spell caster email address is:(spiritualherbalisthealers@gmail.com)

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