Borderline Hyper-mentalism

Ever wonder why you look at a situation that’s occurring and wonder why you’re mind starts racing and over-interpreting every single facial expression? Every single voice inflection? What did that blink mean? Is he glaring at me? Or was that just dust in his eye? Is she about to cry because of something I said? Or is she simply sniffing because of allergies? Why are we so prone to emotional dysregulation and over interpretation of the emotional situations around us? In my research I found one nicely compared clue. Many of us are well aware of how Autistic Spectrum Disorders are viewed and how it’s pretty well accepted they don’t react normally or over-interpret emotional situations. In fact, they typically under-interpret emotional situations if they interpret them at all. When these studies were applied to people with BPD, they results were quite interesting. Where people on the autistic spectrum tend to be hypo-mentalistic, - deficient in mentalism… people on the BPD spectrum tend to be hyper-mentalistic… but here; check it out for yourself. It explains a lot:

Borderline Hyper-mentalism UnMASCed

A new test proves BPD adolescents hyper-mentalize

Published on June 10, 2011 by Christopher Badcock, Ph.D. in The Imprinted Brain

We have known for some time that sufferers from autistic spectrum disorders (ASDs) have mentalistic deficits--so-called mind-blindness. They tend to think in concrete, non-mental terms, and to be poor at detecting and interpreting social and emotional cues such as direction of gaze, facial expression, and body-language. And they are also poor at seeing things from another person's point of view. For example, if shown a tube of sweets which proves to contain a hidden pencil and then asked what the next child to be shown it would think it contains, many children under 3 or 4 tend to expect the next child to know what they already know, completely failing to appreciate the next child's inevitable ignorance. But much older children with ASD make the same mistake and fail this test of appreciating so-called false belief.

Thanks to specially-designed tests like this and others, researchers have been able to measure these deficits quantitatively. However, exactly the same tests have caused confusion as far as the imprinted brain theory and its distinctive, diametric model of mental illness is concerned because, when applied to those diagnosed with psychotic spectrum disorders (PSDs) such as schizophrenia, mentalistic deficits are also often found. The problem here is that the diametric model proposes that if ASD is symptomatically hypo-mentalistic--deficient in mentalism--then PSD is the opposite: hyper-mentalistic. Here are some examples (explained and illustrated at length with clinical examples in my book):

·         Gaze Awareness: deficits in ASD v. delusions of being watched or spied on in PSD

·   Awareness of and interpretation of intention: deficient in ASD v. delusions of persecution (negative intention) or erotomania (positive intention) in PSD

·       Shared Attention/group participation: deficits in ASD v. delusions of conspiracies in PSD

·         Theory of Mind: deficits in ASD v. magical ideation/delusions of reference in PSD

·      Sense of self/personal agency: deficits in ASD v. megalomania/ delusions of grandeur in PSD

·         Ability to deceive: lacking in ASD v. delusional self-deception in PSD

Other findings which fit the pattern here are the pathological single-mindedness of autistics v. the pathological ambivalence of psychotics, and the age of onset. This is early in ASD because mentalistic development is truncated but late in PSD because normal development has to be completed before mentalism can become pathologically over-developed. 

Of course, you would expect to find mentalistic deficits in both under-mentalizing and over-mentalizing minds just as you would expect to find visual or hearing deficits in people with both over- and under-sensitive eyes or ears. What you have to do is to develop tests which can tell the difference, and now for the first time techniques are beginning to appear which do indeed do this where mentalism is concerned.

New research by Carla Sharp and others published in The Journal of the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry (50, (6), 563-73, 6 June 2011) kindly brought to my attention by my colleague, Bernard Crespi, does exactly this, with results perfectly in line with our predictions.

The study used a naturalistic, video-based instrument for the assessment of mentalism called the Movie for the Assessment of Social Cognition (MASC). Subjects watch a depiction of an interactive social scenario and are periodically asked questions about it. This approach can distinguish between under-mentalizing, involving insufficient mentalistic reasoning resulting in incorrect, reduced mental-state attribution, andnon-mentalizing involving a complete lack of mentalism in which a participant may fail to use any mentalistic term whatsoever in explaining behaviour. But crucially for the diametric model, the test can also assess hyper-mentalism, reflecting over-interpretation of mental states.

As the authors comment, this study is the first to use a mentalistic task that resembles the demands of social cognition in everyday-life to examine mentalizing difficulties in relation to borderline personality disorder (BPD) traits in adolescents. Although other studies have investigated aspects of emotional processing in young people diagnosed with BPD, this is the first to use a task specifically developed to assess mentalizing impairment in a psychiatric disorder by considering both insufficient mentalistic reasoning and a complete lack of mentalizing. The study found that neither under-mentalizing nor complete absence of mentalizing was linked to borderline traits. By contrast, hyper-mentalizing ("over-interpretive mental-state reasoning") was strongly associated with borderline features in adolescents.

According to the diametric model, BPD is a PSD and as the authors note, these adolescent BPD subjects showed the opposite tendency to ASD adolescents: where they hyper-mentalized and over-interpreted social cues, autistics symptomatically under-interpret social signs and fail to mentalize sufficiently.

In the words of the authors, "the current study adds to the growing body of evidence linking varying types of social-cognitive dysfunctions to particular psychiatric disorders and specifically linking hypermentalizing to borderline traits in adolescents. Taken together, these results confirm clinical, and theoretical evidence that, in patients with borderline personality disorder, the dysfunction of mentalization is more apparent in the emergence of unusual alternative strategies (hypermentalizing) than in the loss of the capacity per se (no mentalizing or undermentalizing)."

They add that "Hypermentalizing, which involves overinterpreting social cues in others, in turn, derails the emotion regulation system spinning the adolescent into a vicious cycle of overinterpreting what others are thinking and being unable to regulate the anxious rumination caused by this overinterpretation"--just as the diametric model predicts.

Let's hope that many other researchers begin to use tools like MASC to test the predictions of the diametric model and resolve once and for all the confusions surrounding the true meaning of mentalistic deficits in illnesses on both sides of the autism-psychosis spectrum.

(With thanks and acknowledgement to Bernard Crespi)

**********************************************

So what do you think of that? Interesting, right?  I’m going to dig a little further for you and see what else I can unearth along these lines. 

What To Do When You Have No Emotional Support

Hello Dear Readers! Sorry my posts have been so sporadic! I’ve been working myself to the bone! Keep an eye out though. I’m going to have a Guest Post for you soon!

Today I want to talk about something I think a lot of us deal with at some point in our lives, if not for long periods of time in our lives: What to do and/or how to cope when you have no emotional support beyond yourself.

At some point in your life, for whatever reason, you might find yourself alone. Not just emotionally alone, but physically alone. In need of emotional support.

There are the professional options that many of us need and probably should seek. However due to many reasons such as financial difficulties or general lack of therapeutic resources in your area of the world this might not be an option for you. Many of us are embarrassed or don’t believe in therapy as well. Whatever your reason, this might not be an option. Maybe you want to, but you’re a single parent and you can’t leave your kids or you don’t have transportation. Maybe you have a spouse that just doesn't give you emotional support (this is a whole different bottle of badness, really). Whatever. Shit happens.

So what do you do?

You do the best you can. You will struggle. A lot. Sometimes you’ll flounder.  Sometimes you’ll think you can’t take it anymore and one more thing will be the thing that breaks you. And then that one more thing happens and miraculously you find the strength to push through.

Often times the problem is we don’t have family, or friends, or people that we know because we’re new to an area, but that doesn’t mean support doesn’t exist somewhere.

1.      Therapy - If you have the means, don’t be afraid to seek a counselor or therapist. It’s not even something off the wall anymore. It’s practically mainstream now. Everyone and their neighbor sees a therapist these days.

2.   Support Groups – They’re not as formal as therapy. Often they’re hosted at your local libraries or churches.  You can meet other people that are struggling with issues similar to what you’re dealing with. Maybe you won’t be able to find a Borderline support group, but at least look for something that hits on an issue or two that struggle with so you don’t feel so alone and that you know that there are others out there for you.

3.     Community Involvement – Even if it’s not specific to your issues, get involved. This is something that my friends don’t often realize. Just having them around is SUPER good for me. If I’m really depressed and having a hard time, I don’t necessarily talk about my problems, but just getting out and doing something that you enjoy, even if it’s with people that you don’t know yet, can be a big help.

4.    Journal – I’ve said this many, many, many times before. Write those thoughts, feelings, and emotions down. They don’t have to make sense. Just get them out. They can be so overwhelming when they’re just an intangible mass floating around up there in your mind. Get them on paper so you can look at them and really get a sense of them. Get them organized so you can deal with them and maybe do something about them. Even if you can’t do anything about them, I almost always find that when I get my feelings out on paper that they seem lessened and easier to handle. It’s a huge relief.

5.    Cry – It’s okay. Let it out. Let them go. Sometimes you really do just need to let it out. Crying can be cathartic.

6.    Exercise – This one is particularly effective when I’m sad or angry. The harder I work out, the more capable I feel of coping with whatever is troubling me.

Rescue-A-Human Program

7.      Get a Pet – This is a real and big investment. However, caring for another creature is a as much an act of self- love as it is an act of selfless love for a creature in need of a loving home.

8.      Get On-line – This world isn’t as disconnected as it once was. The internet is an amazing resource where you can form real connections with people just like you, dealing with issues just like you are. You may never meet face-to-face but that doesn’t mean you can’t form real, lasting connections with people and help one another out in times of need. I have made some absolutely astounding friends on-line. Better than many, if not most, of the people I’ve met in real life. If you only know me through this blog, you may not know my face, but odds are you know more about me than a good deal of the people that actually see me every day. You have an opportunity to find a very tailored community with people that are willing and able to listen to you. Hell, I started a FORUM just for this very reason. Right up there in that top right corner. Free. Just for you. Help is out there. It might not be perfect. But it’s something. There are so many on-line forums where you can get support. Reach out!

9.      Get informed – One of the worst feelings is not knowing what the hell is going on with you and feeling like you’re going crazy, alone. Note: The impetus for this blog. Take what you find out with a grain of salt though. You don’t want to make the mistake of misdiagnosing yourself and freaking yourself out, don’t do that… but you know, familiarize yourself with your symptoms and realize that what you’re going through has a name, or may have a name and that there are other people going through what you’re experiencing. Read up!

10.  Keep Busy – It’s the dead air, the empty times that are the worst. When our minds are allowed to roam into those bad places of darkness of doubt and self-loathing. I know it’s not possible to always remain busy, but we can do our best. Pick up a cause, volunteer, get a hobby, invest in your job, your kids, etc…. keep your mind busy and not focused on the negative as much as possible. We all know this is easier said than done, but as long as you keep trying, you’re on the right path.

11.  Be Kind to Yourself – Practice positive self-affirmations and acts of self- love. Even if you don’t always feel it, treat yourself with kindness and focus on your positive attributes. When you have no one else in your life, the only one you have to rely on is, you. You will always have you, for as long as you live, you will always have yourself. You should build yourself up as if you’re the most important person in your world, because you are. It can truly, truly suck sometimes to be on your own, but in the end you will be a stronger person for being able to take care of yourself. For as unfair as it seems (sorry, the world doesn’t care about fairness – as a concept it really doesn’t exist) you will be able to manage. And when you do, acknowledge it with a big freaking trip to the spa, or the salon, or the tattoo shop, or wherever, because you deserve it.

I find often that what we want is for others to always make the effort. We need to take some responsibility though! We need to reach out! We are responsible for our own well-being. As hard as it can be, we need to make an effort and invest in our own emotional well-being. If we sit and wait for others to do it for us, it’s probably never going to get done because other people have their own problems, and not for nothing, other people aren’t always that observant, might not know you’re in distress, or unfortunately might not care. Be proactive! Take your mental health into your own hands! 

I felt like this most of my life. In middle school and college I actually didn't have any real trustworthy support because my relationship with my family wasn't good and my friends were, well, not very healthy relationships.  In college I didn't have anyone close to me. Not really. Not until I finally moved in with my sister which pretty much changed my world for the better. Then when I moved to New York and in with Evil-Ex and was completely Alienated from everyone I had zero emotional support. Not until I moved in with xRoommate did I finally understand what it was to have real honest to goodness emotional support. And even then it took me a while to grasp this concept. With baby steps. A little at a time. I'm better at giving emotional support than receiving it, but still. This was 2 and a half years ago! I'm 32! That's a long time to go without a proper emotional support network. I've had to rely on myself for a very long time. It's not easy, but it can be done. Hopefully only for as long as you need. 

Lucid Analysis – Trials in Therapy: Endings are Beginnings

I’m going to do something that I don’t usually do today… and not talk about some stuff that I discussed in therapy last night. It was too personal and too rough and I just don’t feel like I can disclose all of the details. I try to tell you guys most of what I talk about (well most of what I can remember, in shortened form… because an hour -75 minutes worth of me +Therapist talking would be just a monster of a blog entry, but yanno, the highlights). I just can’t think about some of it right now. Sorry folks.

Anyways.

Saw Psychiatrist and Therapist yesterday. The Topamax has been nice for me. The only noticeable side effects for me have been not sensing carbonation properly in my seltzer water, a slight tingling in my fingers and toes occasionally, and lowered appetite which I’m not complaining about. My eating disorder aside… I don’t obsess about food lately. This is a new sensation for me. It’s really kind of freeing. I feel like I’m able to handle food like a normal person. Eat when my stomach starts to grumble, and then stop when I’m full. I haven’t been starving myself either. I feel like I’m actually eating like a normal person (in the sense of the whole eating when my body says so and stopping when it says so) and not obsessing and planning and binging and purging.

I’ve even been drinking a lot less.

My irritability and moods swings have been a bit better. My depression is still noticeable though. I’m definitely still down and I’ve long surpassed my usual spring dip. That usually only lasts a couple weeks. It’s been about a month and a half now. So he upped my dose to 200mg. He didn’t want to add a new medication or anything, which I was happy for. 100mg in the morning with my Pristiq and 100mg in the evening before I go to bed. We’ll see how that goes.

Then it was off to see Therapist after work.

I was tired by the time I got to see Therapist. I got to take a couple vacation days from work last week to go home to see my family. My brother graduated with his M.B.A. so I flew in for his graduation to celebrate! Yay little brother! By “little”, of course I mean younger, he’s like a foot taller than me. I’m only 5’3”. It was actually a really great weekend. Usually when I go home, especially on weekends when I get to see my ENTIRE family (aunts, uncles, cousins), it’s especially overwhelming… but there weren’t any really bad moments for me. Most of the time was really good.

My brother picked me up from the airport and we went for a big family dinner. All of the family. This is usually really overwhelming. I only see my family a few times a year. So when I come back home, inevitably, they all want to know all about every single thing that I’ve been up to. They were a bit calmer this time. I didn’t feel so bombarded. Or maybe I was just able to respond better with my continuing practice and mental practice in therapy. It’s been getting easier and easier for me to handle.  Having my brother, sister and my sister’s BF there helps too.

I’m so glad I’m older now. Growing up I didn’t have a good relationship with my siblings. They were always close I believe, but we weren’t. My sister and I bonded a long time ago. My brother and I have definitely gotten much closer too. I’m very grateful for the wisdom of age and the love of my siblings. I really like my sister’s boyfriend too. He’s kind of like a second brother. A very tall, awesomely obnoxious goofy, fun brother. Spoiler Alert: There may be a new addition to the family sometime in the near future in the way of wedding bells and I may have to buy ANOTHER maid of honor dress, haha.

I had some really good conversations that night with my aunt, uncle, and cousin on my dad’s side. My youngest cousin is 11. He’s having some problems in school with bullies. He’s kind of a shy boy that’s quicker to stand up for his friends than himself. Sounds kind of like me. They asked him to ask his cousins (you know, us) about stuff like that. My brother didn’t deal with shit like that. I’m not sure if my sister ever did. I did though. Well. People tried. I was a quiet kid. A book worm. An introvert that kept to herself. I still am often times…. On the surface. Unfortunately for people that try they quickly find out that I am also angry and explosive when pushed. I was a little hesitant to answer their question because I didn’t want to make my aunt and uncle upset at the answers I would give, but ultimately I told them the truth of what I’ve had to deal with. When kids tried pushing me, eventually if I couldn’t ignore it or walk away: I pushed back. Once a bully knows that you’re not as easy a target as they think you are, they tend to think twice about giving you such a hard time. I told him that it’s not always easy, and sometimes it’s scary, but he should be will and able to stand up for himself. He’s worth defending. No one has the right to pick on him and make him feel bad or scared. He needs to defend himself and fight back. I tried to say it as gently and supportively as possible. He’s a good kid. It was heartbreaking to hear that he’s dealing with shit like that.

I didn’t go into graphic detail with the kid there, but when he stepped out to go to the restroom I opened up more to my aunt in uncle. I’ve kicked the shit out people that have tried to take advantage of me, or my sister. I have a long tolerance for bullshit, but once you cross that line my vision goes red and it’s done.

Surprisingly, they completely agreed with me and completely supported what I told him. They said if he was being picked on they would fully support him if he got in trouble for defending himself and be there to back him up in the event that something were to happen at school.

Aside from the couple serious conversations, most of it was lighthearted and just nice family fun. The next day we woke up early to go to my brothers’ graduation ceremony and go out to a big family brunch.

There were one or two moments that were a bit awkward when one of my uncles that I don’t usually see was trying to joke with me, but was being more obnoxious than anything, and I had to remind myself that he was just trying to connect and be playful, not piss me off…so I kept a smile on my face instead of snapping at him and showing my temper.  My mother’s side of the family was always a bit more formal and never around as much. Plus with me being the black sheep rebel they never really knew how to relate to me, so I completely recognize that he’s finally trying to make that attempt and I didn’t want to spoil that. I do appreciate it even if it was completely awkward and I did try to play along. He even expressed that he was glad that I came!

Lots of family progress.

The rest of the weekend was a lot of hanging out with my sister and her boyfriend. There were a few moments when I was a little down and depressed. A few moments when my body image got in the way. I miss having them closer.  There are definitely times I want to move back. I’m so close to so many people here though. I just don’t know where I really belong.

I’m still currently with Tech Boy. I haven’t made a decision either way as to what I’m going to do. I still feel like I’m in the middle of having triggered myself after having told him about The One. I think I’m in the middle of a bit of A Push. I don't usually recognize that I'm in one. I might not even be in one. I might just be at the end of my rope here. 

I don’t think it changes things though.

I have a problem with men. I have a problem with trust. I’m not sure it will ever completely heal.

Tech Boy is comfortable. Tech Boy is safe. He is someone that I feel stable with. But he is also someone that I find myself constantly bored with. I’m not in love with him. I don’t want to lose him, but I don’t want to spend my life with him. I think this was a healing relationship for me in many ways. It may not be completely over with yet, but I don’t think it’s something that I can keep going much longer.

He on the other hand. Is completely oblivious. He wants to become closer. He started referring to himself as my boyfriend again. Without discussing this relationship status change with me first.  We’ve barely hung out in the last few weeks. We don’t text a whole lot. Last night he said he knows I’ve been going through something and “I need my space” but sometimes he feels left out… when the last time we talked about it, I specifically told him I was coming to him because I was hoping for support and maybe a little sympathy. I flat out told him – Hey, this thing, this is what I need - support. Right here. - ::head desk:: I  don’t know how to be more clear than to spell it out.  I was texting. So there was actually spelling involved.

He doesn’t just want to just be “weekend warriors”. ::sigh:: I don’t really want to see him during the week. I told him it makes me exhausted and unable to function at work when he comes over during the week because I barely sleep. He keeps me up late and wakes me up an hour earlier than usual. I don’t really want to see much of anyone right now anyways. I’ve been working really late (extra extra hours). Going to the gym. Shower/Eat. Clean the condo. By the time I’m done I’m exhausted and I just want to curl up with my cat and do nothing. I don’t want to deal with having to entertain someone else.  

I told him when this started up that I didn’t want a relationship. That I didn’t know what I wanted from this. He needs to discuss things with me. Not make assumptions. We are clearly not on the same page.

I really think I am too emotionally complicated for someone like him. This is my burden. He doesn’t have the maturity to deal with pretty much anything that isn’t baseline “good”. This is his limitation. I’m tired and right now the longer he keeps pushing and pretending that things are okay, despite me telling him directly what I need and that they’re not okay with me, the more irritated I get.  

Therapist doesn’t think I necessarily need to break up with him right away, but she also doesn’t think I need to limit myself. Meh. I’m done. I do think she’s right that I don’t need to limit myself. Frankly I’m disillusioned with the whole idea of dating at the moment. Not disillusioned. Just disinterested. I’m sure there are good people out there. I just, don’t really care very much about getting out there and meeting anyone. I don’t know. Or maybe I do. Talk about ambivalence! It’s just so much effort. And I’m so tired.

On the plus side work has been going great. I’ve been really busy. My focus has been great. I’m been incredibly productive. Every now and again Therapist goes off on a tangent about me getting a new kind of job, branching out, volunteering… something on the side… It’s always like costuming, working in a theaters group… something like that. I hate it. Holy crap woman lay off and give me a break. I live a super high stress life, the last thing I need is a theater company deadline. Taking a hobby that I do on occasion and putting it into a semi-professional environment turns it into something stressful. It would eat up my entire weekends and take away any time I had to relax and see my friends. Just the thought of it makes me cringe and I can feel the anxiety start to rise. I just wish she would stop. I know she wants me to get out and meet people, but she keeps trying to push this same idea that stresses me out even more. 

How to get through a breakup when you have BPD

I alluded to having discovered The Secret to getting over an ex and getting through a break up. Well it’s not really that easy, but there are a few things that help. In all honesty it’s going to be different for everyone and it’s never going to be "easy". However there are some things that I’ve found work better than others. 

1.      STOP ALL CONTACT. I’m NOT KIDDING. If you keep talking to them, you keep that flame alive. I don’t care if you ended the relationship saying you would be friends. That’s totally cool. The simple fact of the matter is you need time to get over your ex. It’s no longer your job to take care of your ex. You need to take care of you first. Right now that means soothing your own wounds and taking care of your own emotional wounds.

If you told your Ex that you would be friends let them know that you do intend to honor that but for now you need time to heal on your own. Don’t let them pressure you into contact before you are ready.  

They probably need their space too. You need to respect this. This is something that many of us often have problems with. Boundaries. We need to remember them. Leave them alone if they ask you to keep your distance. 

2.      Delete their contact information. E-mail. Facebook information. Phone Number. All of it. You broke up. It’s done. Just take away the temptation. If there’s an actual emergency ask a mutual friend to contact them. Otherwise you don’t need to get in touch with them.

Trust me. There will be temptations. There will be nights of panic, utter anxiety, extreme loneliness, maybe a little drinking, times when the fingers wander over the texting screen…. You will absolutely regret this in the morning. You’ll be embarrassed, feel humiliated, and ashamed by time the sun comes up. Think about this. You don’t want that.

3.      You need your friends. Call them instead. Selectively. Don’t abuse the ears of your loved ones with your pity party though. In the times when it does get bad though, and you do feel like you’re going to make a really bad or embarrassing decision… instead of calling the Ex, call a friend, call a sibling, call a support hot line, hell, come hop on our Forum over here. In times of trouble you need to know you have a support network.

Beyond that… even if you’re not actively weeping over your ex it’s important to have friends. Having a strong support network. Having good friends, knowing you’re not alone, just knowing that you have someone there when you need them, even knowing you have someone there just because… is important, for everyone, just not for those of us with BPD.  It’s important to surround yourself with people you care about. To remind yourself that you’re loved, cared for. Keep yourself busy. Keep yourself involved in positive, life affirming activities.

When you are down, and/or afraid that you might engage in self-harming or impulsive decisions, or need a stronger support to keep yourself in a more stable frame of mind due to the loss that you are suffering from… do not reach for your Ex. They are now a part of your past. Lean on your current, your present, support network. Lean on your friends, your family, your forum.

4.      Self-care is irreplaceable. You will love again. Take time to love yourself right now. Practice positive self-talk and positive self-affirmations. Be kind to yourself.

5.      Take a few days to wallow. Yeah I said it. Don’t try to suck it up and be tough. You’re allowed to experience whatever feelings it is you’re going to feel. Do yourself and your friends a favor though. Do some of it on your own. Having a girl’s/guys night to watch sappy movies and drink wine, especially if they offer, because that’s what friends are for, or if you’re having a particularly hard night – totally cool… but try not to do it every night. It’s okay to be a little selfish and indulge yourself as you work through the initial stages of grief.

You Are Grieving A Loss! It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to be angry. It’s okay to let it all out.

After a few days… start getting back to your regular schedule. Put a reasonable limit on the wallowing. Don’t let it take over.

6.      Maybe get a cat. Or a puppy. Or a ferret. Maybe a rat. Pour some love into the pets you have. Adopt a little furballs in need of love. They need you. You’d be surprised how therapeutic animals are if you don’t have any. This is a lifetime investment though. Don’t think of it as a temporary measure. And don’t do it if you’re not willing to take care of something for the long haul.

It’s super silly, but NOT AT ALL. I love my cat. I never had a cat before I rescued mine. I great up with giant dogs. My dad was allergic to cats. I rescued mine from some guys with golf clubs when I was in college. He was this tiny starving little stray that was about to get beaten. I rushed out of my apartment, scooped him up, and now it’s 7 years later and I couldn’t imagine my life without him. Relationships have come and gone… my cat has always been there for me. Knowing that I have him to come home to, to curl up with at the end of the day… when I’m frustrated or upset, he’s soothing and snuggly. He makes everything better.

7.      Remove Memory Triggers. Take down the pictures. Wash your pillow cases that smell like him. Toss out that t-shirt of his you like to wear around. These things will only remind you of your Ex every single time you look at the damn thing. You really don’t want that. You know it. You don’t necessarily have to throw out every single expensive piece of jewelry, but put it away. Don’t put it where you can see it all the time.

8.      Keep Busy! Stay Active. Don’t sit in your room with only your thoughts for company. You know you’ve done it. We tend to mire ourselves in the darkness of our own deep dark depressing minds closed off from the rest of the world. You know who that’s going to help? No one. Get the hell out of there. Grab a friend. Grab yourself. Get a hobby. Just get out and go do something.

9.      Write down the things you are grateful for that you do have in your life. That have nothing to do with your Ex. This is to remind you that there are still good things out there for you.

10.  Get back out there. Move on. Date. See that there are other people out there for you. This helps a ton. Don’t do it too quickly though. That can actually make it worse. When you’ve had some time to recover put yourself out there.

For those of you going the “we can be friends” route” with your Ex.

Don’t even bother trying this until you have moved on. Don’t. This is a recipe for a slow burn… a.k.a.. getting back together eventually when you really didn’t want to.  Maybe not right away, but eventually or by accident one drunken night. And that won’t really be good for either of you and will destroy any progress either of you has made toward emotional healing. If you’re serious about being friends do yourself a favor and don’t try to rush it for the sake of rushing it.

Hope these thoughts help a little bit and bring things into perspective. What things help you? 

Quotes from the Borderline

“It is a curious sensation: the sort of pain that goes mercifully beyond our powers of feeling. When your heart is broken, your boats are burned: nothing matters any more. It is the end of happiness and the beginning of peace.”

    – George Bernard Shaw

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

     – Neil Gaiman

“We have to believe that even the briefest of human connections can heal. Otherwise, life is unbearable.”

       – Agate Nesaule

…. Fortunately once you’ve lived a little. Once you’ve had a few really low lows, and a few higher highs…. You do learn that things can heal. It’s those first few heartbreaks that are the worst. Simply because it’s those times that you don’t know that you can get through. You don’t yet have the experience to know that the feelings of despair won’t actually consume you the way you feel like they will.

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Hey there guys and gals. I’m back I promise! I was out travelling to the mid-west visiting my family and my alma mater. My brother graduated again so I was, of course, there to support him. Very, very proud of him. I missed my family quite a lot. I only get to see them 4 times a year. It’s a bit overwhelming seeing my ENTIRE family even if it isn’t very big (parents, brother, sister, sister's bf, 3 aunts, 2 uncles, 2 out of 3 cousins).  Unfortunately it didn’t leave much time for blogging. I’ll try to make up for it!

Actually Knowing when a Relationship is Over with BPD

A little bit ago I talked about when a Borderline loved one says they “know” a relationship isn’t going to work… but that’s really more a matter of insecurity and other issues and all sorts of other things. Today I want to talk about how someone with BPD ACTUALLY knows when a relationship is over.

Yanno. We’re not aliens, people. Yeah, maybe it’s a bit more complicated up in our brain spaces here sometimes, but really, how does anyone know when a relationship is really over?

1.      Devaluation and Splitting - Of course sometimes we might fall into a complete Devaluation and Split someone Black, Black, Black. This is probably the most clean cut, albeit one of the more painful and aggressive ways to go about knowing something is over.

a.       For instance this was my experience with Evil-Ex =P

2.      Love vs. Pain - Sometimes the pain bleeds up overtime until it’s just to painful to bear any longer. There might be love, but the pain of loving that person finally overtakes the love. This becomes a battle. Fear of losing the love but also having to live with enduring the pain that love is causing. Each person has their own breaking point.

a.       This was my experience with Friend and The One.

3.      Impulsive Rage- Sorry. Sometimes we fly off the handle. It’s unfortunate and unpredictable. This is why it’s important to develop trust, establish boundaries, and communication at the beginning of the relationship to reduce this sort of thing.

a.       This actually happened quite a bit with The One actually. Mostly because he cheated on me and was a complete douchebag.  

4.     Emptiness and Alone – Together. One of the fabulous things about being in a relationship is that you don’t usually feel quite so alone. Because you’re not! But when you start to feel alone when you’re with your loved one it can be a problem. When we start to wish you were alone when you’re with your loved one, it’s even more of a problem. When you start to make up excuses to avoid seeing your loved one… something is probably coming to an end.

a.       ***NOTE – Not during periods of depression which can also cause this. Communicate to get to the root of the problem!

5.    Boredom – Despite your best efforts you are intolerably bored. Frankly I don’t think this is completely a BPD problem. This is partially just a standard dating issue. However it may be exacerbated because many of us have issues with an Intolerance to Boredom. If our partners bore us it’s a dump worthy offense.  

6.     Just not compatible – You like someone. You’ve been together a long time. You had some initial sparkage. You had some initial chemistry. Now it’s kind of run it’s course. But you’ve gotten comfortable. You don’t want to hurt them. You don’t necessarily want to lose them. But you do want better for yourself. Hell you kind of want better for them. But you’re not really sure what to do at all. Alright, this is just where I am. Where you like someone as a person, but you know you’re ultimately not compatible in a relationship, but being BPD you get crazy anxiety at the thought of separating from the relationship so you put it off, and you put it off. You keep trying and you keep trying, dragging it on and on until they can’t help but notice that something is really wrong and all but flat and dead on the side of the road.

7.      Someone else – This is the one no one wants to mention but everyone worries about. Sometimes it happens that we meet someone else that for whatever reason is who we want to be with. This is another pretty clear cut, but not always so aggressively destructive one. When there’s someone else in the picture, well, you know when you know and it’s over.

8.     Cheating/Abuse/Act of Terror and Awful – I always have to add a catch all category for the truly nasty disasters that can happen in relationships that are not necessarily our fault and are completely valid excuses for ending a relationship.

9.      Simply not wanting to be in the relationship anymore is a perfectly valid reason for no longer being in the relationship anymore.  It’s an unfortunate fact of life that just because we want an explanation doesn’t mean that that is one or that we will get one.

Here’s the thing. When you’ve been with someone for so long and there’s no longer any chemistry, or there are too many problems, or there is a lot of hurt and pain, or anger, but you have that safety, familiarity, or the comfortableness… it’s really hard to let go. Especially for people like us.  Abandoning goes both ways and we don’t necessarily want to leave either even if we’re not happy. Which can sound silly, but being unhappy is better than being alone sometimes.

Quite often our endurance for pain and unhappiness is relative. We have such a sensitized system for pain and suffering that even if we’re hurting, if it isn’t “as bad” as something we’ve felt before, we feel like we can deal with it, because we’ve been through worse, so we put up with it. Tough it out. Because we know we can. It’s really not fair to us or our partners though. Especially as we’re often the cause of our own suffering.

Now! Here’s the tricky part! Stick to your guns! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve actually managed to break up with someone; Had every valid reason. Written lists. Actual lists. Pros. Cons. Or just general misery. Hate even. Loathing. I’m pretty sure I was actually able to channel the Dark Side and Force Choke Evil-Ex at one point… and I still took him back. The anxiety and panic that comes from being alone can be awe inspiring. The tears, apologies, and emotions that bubble to the surface when one or the other of us has convinced the other to try again… and succeeded. ::sigh:: I think I’ve found the solution to this though. To not getting back together that is. We’ll get to that tomorrow. 

How about you? How can you tell when you’re ready to leave a relationship?